Well, I don't have to wonder anymore.
On Saturday, my husband and I were driving "up north" to attend his best friend's baby blessing. We stopped at Cabela's because, well, you know, my husband is a Cabela'saholic. As we were walking in the parking lot toward the store, he said, "That's M." I looked up with my heart racing and sure enough - there she was, with her husband and pushing a cart with a car seat inside of it. We stopped, said hello, and asked how old her baby was. She said a week old. I introduced her to Kaitlyn. She mentioned how big our boys have gotten, and then there was a moment of uncomfortable silence, and then we said goodbye and continued toward the store.
I shook for an hour afterward. I wondered if she thinks about me. I wondered what she really thought of our chance meeting. I wondered if it was really chance, or if it was Something More.
I miss the friendship we had. Not what it became at the end, but what we had for years before that. I wish I could have articulated better to her how I was feeling about things, but I believe the situation would have ended the same anyway.
I miss her.
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It seems like the older I get, the harder it is to make friends. Not just acquaintances, but a true friend. I slowly lost, what I considered, my best friend over the last year...it truly is heart breaking.
Awww Erin that breaks my heart.
I have had two of these "break-ups" in my adult years as well. One was a few years ago and one just earlier this year. But I keep reminding myself that the friendships ended for a reason.
The one that happened 6 years ago was just toxic in every sense of the word. Every time I talked to the person I would hang up the phone and feel like she vomited all over me. It was a horrible feeling. So I just had to sever ties. I couldn't do it anymore. Then about 2 years ago she popped back up and apologized. Said she was a different person and that she missed the friendship. We became "friendly" again but things have never been the same. But at least we are both at a place where we can be cordial.
The one that happened earlier this year broke my heart. It was someone that I really cared for and cherished as a friend. But we had a small mis-communication and instead of talking to me about it she completely cut me out of her life for two (almost three) months. Ignored my calls, emails and blog. I had no idea she was even upset with me. When I finally got up the nerve to talk to her about it (I sent her an email) she ignored it for 4 days. Then finally responded that she was indeed mad at me - and wasn't ready to talk about it.
Finally 3 days later I got an email indicating the source of the problem. (A mis-communication) She then spent the rest of her email pointing out what a horrible person I was and then used some really flimsy excuses (like political persuasion and exercise frequency) to indicate that our friendship wasn't really that solid.
At that point I realized that someone that could cut me out of their life for two whole months and then send an email ripping me apart really wasn't worth my time and friendship.
I haven't really looked back. I need to have people around me that build me up and uplift me. I don't have time for someone that will pick apart a friendship on petty differences. I personally think it is better to have friends that have little in common with you. It keeps things fresh and interesting and adds a new perspective. Who the heck wants to hang out with people exactly like them? That seems boring to me.
I think these things fall apart for a reason - and I hope that you can find someone to fill that void in the future. But it is better to find a real friend rather than be with someone just because you want to have a friend.
Know what I mean?
Sorry for the long comment!
In the last year, I became good friends with someone that used to hate me. It was weird to be friends, but nice too. She lives in my neighborhood and is in my ward (she actually serves in primary 2 rows in front of me). She watches my niece during the day. Are lives are connected. WELL--- after a year of friendship, she's back to hating me again. I should have figured as much given her history, but it still sucks. As ridiculous as the entire situation is, and as hurt as I was by what happen, I CANNOT stop thinking about her and hoping she's okay. It doesn't help that she ignores me every time we are in the same room. So frustrating but also hurtful. Just hurtful. But like you said about your friendship, it turned toxic and was better just to end it. I tell my husband that I want to move. Seriously.
I am so sorry, Erin. I had a similar thing happen once, where a best friend wrote me an email saying how horrible she felt when she was around me. It lasted years. Happily we have reconciled and found a new dynamic in our friendship. I too had physical reactions when I saw her. It is sooo hard. I know not everything is meant to last. My husband would tell me that even though I had loved her like a sister, I just needed to put my time and effort intoy covenant relationships and the hurt would dissipate. He was right. Best of luck.
Wow, it seems like this has happened to a lot of women.
I cut someone out of my life about 2 years ago. I am an extremely loyal friend, so it came after a lot of prayer and heartache. Once the lightbulb went off, and I realized that I was working harder at our friendship that my marriage, I knew it was time to "break up."
She is still friends with my best friend, and we ask about each other. I still love and care about her, but I can't have her in my life.
I saw her at a baby shower, about 7 months ago, and I wondered if it would make me want to reconnect. And I realized after talking with her that it didn't. I don't regret it.
I have had this a few times. One was my best friend growing up since Kindergarten. We would have fights and there were some grades we wouldn't be friends, but the majority of the time we were. After high school, we kept in touch irregularly. I think I saw her once or twice. Well, she did not come to my bridal shower, wedding reception or baby shower. I have no idea why? She was always flaky, but I thought she would make an effort at these important events for me. Nope! I was very hurt. I just left it at that but I frequently have dreams about her!
There is another friend that things ended with and I have dreams about her all the time too. Same thing as you, I wondered if she thought about me, etc. (She is also someone I grew up with but who lives nearby now). I ran into her at Costco after not seeing her for 6 years. It was so weird! I felt like you, just shaky, etc.
My mom just had a REALLY horrible friend-break-up. Really bad. Like, their whole friendship seems like a lie now. :(
Friendship isn't for the weak!
Kayla - that is my new favorite quote:
Friendship isn't for the weak.
Love it!
Erin, I'm so sorry.
I honestly can't really relate (and I guess I should be glad about that!), because I've never really had any awful break up with a friend. Mostly just drifting apart kind of situations.
Hugs to you, though. Maybe the experience of seeing her will help you find clarity in the reasons why things are like they are.
I'm so sorry. That must have been so difficult.
Oh, Erin! I'm so sorry. Ouch.
Ick - those things are so weird and stressful. I also shake when emotional uncomfortable things happen. In fact, recently my brother sent me a really rude email and I was shaking for an hour or so afterwards. Bleh.
So I guess my "break-up" feelings have been with my family since we moved back, and less with friends, but still I can relate. (Thankfully, things are slowly getting better.)
Louie's been reading the book "The Female Brain" and we've been talking about the mysteries of women. Relationship problems are one of womens' biggest stressers. Fun stuff!
I think you're pretty great! Just sayin'.
I feel for you! {hugs}. I have nothing poetic or wise to say..other than I'm sorry!
Ahh!
Erin, i'm sorry.
Friendship break ups are hard.
It looks like you have lots of other friends to gather round you tho!
:)
I totally get this. My best friend turned into this psycho I didn't recognize when I told her I was getting married. She completely flipped out, saying I had abandoned her. She even called me in the middle of the night the day before my wedding giving me an ultimatum of my new husband or her. It was horrible. Because of her subsequent actions, she also took my other two best friends down with her. 15 years later not one of them will speak to me or accept my friend requests on Facebook. All because I got married. It's so sad.
Thank you to everyone who has commented. I thought I was alone in losing my best friend. Thanks for your stories and the support!
I am a little late to the party but wanted to comment because it touched my heart. I am sure that was so hard for you (and for her too).
I have also had this happen and it is sad but as I have reflected on it I realize that people change and grow and sometimes the things that binds them change.
For me it was my best friend from when I was 13 years old. We were so close and then things changed and while we still send Christmas cards we both know that we have nothing in common anymore and it is awkward. Like you I mourn the loss of the fun and friendship we once had but I am thankful that I also have new friends that I love.
I sometimes wonder why things have to change.
Wow so common.. I am so sorry about this. I kind of feel like this sometimes too.. I make new friends, and I am not sure but they are friends for a minute then they hate you or something.. I don't know what it is. I have had a really good friend, and I text her, call her, she will call me back for a minute, then lose service and say she will call me back and still never has. I feel terrible. What makes it so I can't keep a friend. Makes my confidence go down the toilet.. I guess my one and only true friend is my husband.. I hope someday you can resolve this situation!
PS I love the stories.. makes you feel not so alone.. I love your blog:)
I had to say good-bye to a friendship that "went bad." It was worse than my divorce. Really. I still think about her and always wonder what if...
Man, I am so sorry you've had to go through this. I went through something similar with my best friend when we were in college. I'm still not sure why she ended up mad at me...I could never get her to talk to me about it. I still think about her from time to time and wonder what our relationship would be like now if that never happened.
UGH! Nothing worse than losing a good friend, especially on bad terms.
I think the older I get, the better at friendships I get, and I am better and recognizing the "real" relationships.
Hang in there, I really believe people come in and out of our lives for reasons.
This kind of thing is so brutal--and, as evidenced by the comment trail, so very common, too.
I've been there. It's hard--emotionally, psychologically, physically.
Even if it's the right thing, that doesn't make it easy.
So sorry!
I can relate to some regard but my story is really being on the other end I think. Since the fourth grade I knew this girl with whom I was constantly fighting with. My parents kept asking why we were friends and I didn't have answers then, I do now. We were friends because we had mutual friends and the split would have caused massive discomfort for the mutual friends. Fight after fight - problem after problem, even clear into adulthood. I've tried several times to make things work and reconcile the differences, but the same kind of thing keeps happening. She has had a complete lack of respect for me from day one, and that still has never changed.
I finally decided I was done having to watch what I said, to whom and afraid to draw anymore, afraid to write anymore, afraid of her accusations that I was copying her when in reality it was always the opposite.
Our mutual friends have all come to similar conclusions as me all on their own and the concern for them is now a thing of a past. I cut off contact with her within the last year, and I feel so much more relieved than I did before. I have my privacy and freedom back.
Now, I'm not saying that your situation was anything like mine - but in some ways I am sad that things never worked out well and we were never able to get beyond things to a functioning relationship. I think about her now and again and hope that her life is happy and that she and her family are well - but beyond that I think it's best if we don't ever have contact again.
Friendships that go bad can be really really hard no matter how they happen or how they end. It sounds like it was amazingly awkward that you met by chance that day. I doubt she thinks you engineered that .. how could you? And maybe she's thinking similar things that you are. but since she cut contact.. she would have to renew it and take a first step if she wanted it. *HUG*
Erin, Are you guys still in town? Dave & Polli are coming to Logan for dinner Wednesday. If you are here we'd all love to see you guys too. 435-8814770. Dan
I have had the same experience losing my very best friend. We had been best friends since we were very small children and almost 3years ago she got jealous and mad at me for stupid reasons and has refused to speak to me since.
She did not come to my wedding and I have since moved out of the state and very far away. I have missed her so much. We were always there for each other, sharing everything.
I have tried and tried to open up the doors of communication but she ignores me. It still hurts so bad, especially when I want to share with her my happiness and joyful times as well as my heartaches. I miss her dearly and hope someday she will realize that life is too short to allow petty feelings to get in the way of a friendship.
I completely understand how you feel! Maybe that chance meeting will be the door that opens for you. Best Wishes!
Um, wow.
*I* was shaking, and I wasn't even there!
You've written about her before so I know this must have been a huuuuuge deal to you. I really hope you guys can come to an understanding. The fact that you at least had a short chat is a good sign, right? It's strange and sad how fragile relationships can be.
I'm actually right there with you. I married into a community that is very tight-knit and grew up together. I felt like such an outsider until I met "T". She was the best girlfriend I never had. She called/texted/emailed and invited me over when my husband traveled (a lot). It was wonderful. Who cared that she didn't share the same beliefs and at times was so crass that my ears bled? That she talked bad about our mutual friends?
I finally started caring. And after one incident that made me feel like complete crap, I decided to cool things off. She sensed what I was doing and started disliking me. We are involved in a lot of the same activities, so it's very awkward.
The sad part is that she is toxic to our mutual friends too. But everyone is afraid to make waves in the community. We are cordial to each other, but it's always the elephant in the room when we are in the same place at the same time.
I hate it, and I pray for daily for a REALY girlfriend that I can be close with. I feel so pathetic writing this out, but it's nice to see I'm not alone.
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