Telling the Truth

Wow, it's been so long since I have blogged that I momentarily forgot how to access my blog.  And, when I finally remembered, it asked me for my password (Blogger has always remembered my password before). That's a long time!

Anyway.

Character flaw confession time - I have a difficult time being honest.  I always have.  In my defense, it's in the "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" category.  But I really consider it a flaw.  If that color looks terrible on you, don't ask for my opinion because I'll tell you it looks nice, even if it is hideous.  My inclination has always been that I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings (or said in another way, I hate confrontation/want to keep the peace) so I concur with the other person, or more importantly, not let them know the real truth, because that's being kind.  Right?

WRONG.

For years my husband has been telling me that he wants the truth.  I say it's potentially cruel and belittling to say something that doesn't need to be said, but he insists (at least with him in particular, maybe with others?) that not telling the truth is doing more damage than the potential hurt caused by being honest. 

And for years, I've been ignoring him.

A couple of discussions he and I have had over the last couple of weeks have renewed this topic again, and I have been practicing being more honest with him.  And it's really difficult!  But he keeps saying things like, "Who ARE you??" when I say something that he would never expect to come out of my mouth (like swear words or teasing or flirting, which I don't usually do).  Then Saturday night, he challenged me again to be completely honest with him for 24 hours, or all day yesterday. 

I recognized five or six instances throughout the day where I would have kept quiet, lied, or not said something that I instead forced myself to choke out (some times were easier than others) (stupid but true, letting him hear the songs on my iTunes playlist is one of the things that made me feel uncomfortable) (I know, I have issues).  But I did it.  And I'm proud of myself.

Last night, he asked, "Can we do this again tomorrow?  Because the more I get to know you, the more I love you."

Now let me tell you the truth - the more I get to know myself, the more I love myself too.

(P.S. After writing this post, while I was proofreading it, Christian called me to talk about car loans, APR's, and budget stuff.  This is generally high-stress stuff that causes me to go into placating mode, but instead, I practiced being honest and saying how I really felt.  Go me!)