I have come to the realization recently (and please, please correct me if I'm wrong) that married women, for the most part, are happy to call their husband their best friend and really have no need of a female best friend. It almost seems like they are busy with their families and activities related to their families, and just don't have the time or desire to keep up a friendship that is stronger than just a casual, infrequent type of "hanging out." (The kind of friendship I am talking about is something different from getting together with your kids or occasionally talking on the phone, but more like a deeper bond.) What are your thoughts on this?
Do you have a best friend (besides your spouse)?
Why or why not?
Why or why not?
Here's my answer: I had a best friend, for nearly 10 years. I lost her friendship, two years ago, due to circumstances I am not ready to discuss in a public forum. I still mourn the loss, nearly every day.
(P.S. I have family in town this weekend, AND Sunday and Monday Christian is taking me on an overnight trip for some R&R {insert whistles and cat calls here}. Miss me!)
58 people wanted to leave a comment:
I know how it feels to lose a friend after such a long period. I hope you find another that is true to you and themselves.
When I moved across the country my ties with many of my friends loosened and we drifted apart. Three babies and 4 years later I found myself adrift in a small town populated mostly by people who lived through WWII.
I found blogging and it filled some of the void...but not all of it. I am still searching.
I love my husband - but he will NEVER fill the place that a best friend fills. I need to have girlfriends in my life.
I have several different close relationships that fit the bill for me. My very best friend lives in New Jersey and I only get to see her once or twice a year. But we talk on the phone every day at least 2 or 3 times.
Then I have close close friends that I see at least 3 or 4 times a week and talk to daily on the phone.
I am a social person and I need to have those female friendships to keep me grounded and sane.
I love my husband - more than anything - but I still need girls in my life :)
I lost a close friend just after I got married and I have no one to blame but myself. It still makes me sad. Eleven years on, I have plenty of close girlfriends and I love and appreciate them. I need to have them in my life, but I don't know that there's one I spill all my secrets too. I think that's because I feel like I would be burdening them if I did. I have a hard time sharing.
Looks like I am the odd gal out (so far). I am content with my hubby being by best friend. I still have girl friends and take time away from it all with them. But my hubby is and always be the 'all', my very best friend. I do however, think its possible to have more than one BEST friend. Cliche? Maybe.
For most of my marriage my husband was definitely my one and only best friend. I had my girlfriends from college that I would sometimes keep in touch with and really missed but he was the one.
Then as I started having kids and was home all day, then my girlfriends started to become more important. But really my husband was still my best friend.
I have had one female friend in my married life that has TRULY become a best friend, I still call her weekly even though we have moved away.. and she became my best best friend when my husband and I were having the hardest time in our marriage. So at at time when he and I weren't there for each other as much as we needed, I developed a friendship further to fill in that missing spot I guess. But now things are great and wonderful again, and this friend still is my best female friend but I definitely don't feel like I need her as much as I once did.
My husband is totally my best friend. I need to talk to him about certain things. My sister is a close second. I have these two people that I talk to about different things, but I talk to them both everyday.
Locally (my sister is in another state, so our relationship is mostly phone based) I have friends, but they are like you said, girls I hang out with while the kids are screaming around us. We don't chat on the phone, and probably couldn't for hours on end most weekdays. These local girlfriends are really important though, being a SAHM. Even if it's once a week, we need that 'playgroup' time. I am also really social, so I am hoping to find a 'best friend' in these groups. I'm always looking. :) *My sister has a local best friend and I get a little jealous when she talks about her. Silly, I know.*
Oh an entirely different note Erin, you were in my dream last night. Isn't that funny! I sat next to you at a conference and it took us about half the presentation before we figured out that we knew each other from our very small profile pictures. Too silly! I think we would be friends in 'real life'. :)
Erin, I have to say that every women needs a best friend!! I have had 3 or 4 throughout my life and it is sad to me not to have one in my life right now or should I say one that lives near me at this moment. I sometimes wish I can go back to the moments when I lived near those dear best friends whom you can talk to about anything and just be yourself around and know that they love and accept you no matter what. Anyway, I also have to say that my mom has a best friend and has been her best friend since they were 17 years old and they still get together often~granted they do only live 3 hours apart and have there whole friendship!!
I love my husband but my very best friend is my daughter! We can finish each other's sentences and never tire of being together doing anything! We will miss you but have a wonderful getaway!!!!
and here I go philosophizing on a topic I know nothing about, but here goes...
I think part of it has to do with personality. Some women are fulfilled relationship-wise with just their husband. Some crave the girlfriend relationship.
And for some, the needs change with the seasons of their life. I'm one of those.
I had a friend in high school that the boysfriends were the all-important, took precedence and were worth cancelling female plans for. It worked for her. She is very family oriented now.
My parents moved 3 hours away the month after I graduated high school and I still fought with my sister back then, but I was lucky enough to hook up with some awesome roommates. Even so, we were never "confide all your secrets" kind of girls.
It wasn't until this last year (11 years into marriage) that I finally found a best friend again. I don't think I really needed one before now, but it seems like this is the year I do. Like I've said before, I'm slightly socially awkward and close relationships don't come easy for me and this one took special circumstances to make it what it is.
Don't forget how different we all are, and just like there are a few select people we could have married, there are only a few select girls we will ever closely bond with. Lots that we enjoy a casual relationship with, but it takes a lot of looking and sometimes a catastrophy in one of our lives, to be able to find them.
I still wish I lived closer to MY family, though. And maybe that's one of the keys... there's just something to a relationship with someone who knows all of your dirty secrets and has shared your history that makes the bond so much stronger. Few and far between, but so worth the effort.
I had a three different best friends in high school and college, but after each one of them moved on with hurt feeling left behind, I didn't have a "best friend" for a long time. I had lot's of good friends and they fulfilled different things in my life and I guess that's kind of the way it is now too. A lot of good friends who fulfill different things. I do one who does the most though. I didn't think of her as a "best friend" though until her husband told me husband (who have been like brothers since they were teenagers) that I was her best friend. I felt so special! And since then, we have all been like family. I love her like a best friend and a sister!
Plus I do have a sister (3 of them in fact!) that is a best friend and that I can call when I'm frustrated with hubbie.
I am going through a little best friend crisis. But, I am finding that my family is always there. I long for a nice fit of a friend that totally gets me and takes me for me.
Sorry about your loss. Those are the toughtest.
My husband does not fill this space for me. I have to have a close, bosom, female friend. I have had one for the past ten years, but we are living on opposite sides of the world right now. I can't wait for her to get back. I function better as a wife and mother when we spend regular time together.
If we want to get deep here, I think that the need women have for each other is a divinely instituted thing. All through the scriptures, righteous families are made up of polygamous marriages, with women working and raising children together. I truly believe that Heavenly Father knows that women need the support and friendship of other women to really be happy- in this life and the next.
I think it is very important to have a female best friend. Men and women are different and relate differently to problems so its good to have your husband's point of view and solution, it is also nice to have help from the female side.
I have two really awesome friends who unfortunately live far away so this past little bit has really been hard for me because I don't have someone here.
I have a few close girl friends. The ones I am closest to don't live close by and I don't call and talk with them. I do have one that is close and who I do talk with but she usually calls me.
When I have problems I don't really like to talk about them. I'm a "I can figure this out on my own" type of person.
We didn't talk much in our home growing up. Communication wasn't a big thing. It's still not. I've realized this as I've gotten older. I wish we would have talked more. I'm trying to talk more with my kids so that they will feel comfortable talking.
I do like talking to other women but I have to have someone who will talk back. I can't hold a conversation on my own.
And this whole comment probably made no sense whatsoever.
I'll be calling you sometime next week. Have fun with your family this weekend and more fun with Christian on Sunday and Monday!!
I have a best friend. She lives in California. We don't talk on the phone much because of the time quotient, but we see each other once every couple years (since we're both from Provo area) and we IM all day every day. I need that, much as I love my husband, it's wonderful to have a female voice that understands me and I can talk about whatever.
If I take your question and change the sex from woman to man I know that I don't have very many "man friends"— let alone a best friend who is a man.
Other than my wife, I do not think that I have any real close friends. I think the best part of being friends with my wife is that we enjoy our time together and can still switch gears when we need to console or comfort each other in times of need.
Here's what I've discovered. Women need other female friendships. My husband is happy to call me his best friend, and I love him, but he just isn't the kind of person that is interested in all the little details like my girlfriends.
I also "broke up" with a friend of 8 years, about 7 months ago, and there are times I really miss her. But the relationship was really unhealthy for me. Email me if you would like. I know what you're going through.
I'm with you, Erin. There is a part of the female psyche that needs other females to fill it. No matter how close and wonderful a husband is to his wife, he can't fill that void.
I'm sorry about your friend situation. Losing good friends is heart wrenching. And I understand about taking years to heal, too - been there.
I don't get women who have their husband as their best friend. I *need* women friends desperately - they fill a roll my husband isn't capable of filling. And that's not to his discredit (I'm 99.9% sure "discredit" is NOT a real word, yo) - it's that men and women are so different, and he just doesn't have the right chromosomes to make it work.
I do have a best friend. I wish it were my sister, but we're getting a better friendship. My best friend and I became mothers at the same time. That's pretty much our only similarity. We mother differently, and don't see eye to eye on most anything, especially not politics (there could not be more polar opposites than us politically). But we share a connection I can't describe, and it's grown through several e-mails a day even though we've lived 1500 miles apart for 3 years now.
I have very close friends in my town, too, but it's not the same. I wish I had a best friend HERE. Someone to grab a Pepsi with after the kids are in bed and share secrets and day trips with, that kind of thing.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I had a similar one a couple years ago. We eventually patched it up, but the closeness and trust aren't there anymore. We're friends, but no more than that, and it hurts.
For me, much as I love him, my husband is not enough. And frankly, he doesn't want to be my sole source of deep personal friendshipping. It exhausts him if he's the only one I confide in. I need my gal pals rather desperately. My favourite thing to do is to gather 1-3 good friends and go out somewhere and chat over pie or something. Talk for hours and hours about what's closest to our hearts while our husbands put the kiddos to bed.
I haven't done that in awhile...I wonder if that's why I've been feeling discontented lately...
I guess I'm a freak. I've never had a "best friend" and while that hurt me when I was young, as an adult, I've found that friends who want too much from me emotionally, or time wise feel like a burden. I actually don't want a "best friend"...I love to have many acquaintances with whom I enjoy spending moderate amounts of time, but I don't love an all consuming friendship. I need that energy for my husband and children.
This was a really great question by the way. Its really interesting to read everybody else's responses to it.
I still have my best friend from my childhood. We don't see each other that often but we talk and text a lot.
Here's what I think about "best" friends. I'm fairly sure that I, regardless of age or marital status, am nearly incapable of having another female best friend. Not that I don't want one, but I always find myself in the position of regarding someone as more of a friend than they regard me. Does that make sense?
Usually, I'll be really close to someone but they are closer to other friends. I didn't really realize this until after I had been married for a while and finally found out what it was like to really have a best friend. Not that I still don't crave that sort of connection, but it just doesn't seem likely to happen. Not to downplay the wonderful friendships I do have of course. It's taken a lot of time and tears to be somewhat ok with this idea and to stop thinking there's something wrong with me. Although it still gets to me every once in a while.
Have fun with your family. Of course you'll be missed!
Still have mine from childhood, we talk like once every 2 weeks.
YOu will be missed!
Hey you, go enter my GIVEAWAY for a chance to win a
IPOD Touch!
Hugs!
In nature most females roam in herds with other females and their young. Males leave to live alone after puberty, and only come around for sex once a year... I think we can all learn from this.
In nature most females roam in herds with other females and their young. Males leave to live alone after puberty, and only come around for sex once a year... I think we can all learn from this.
This has been a fascinating discussion!! Erin, I'm so sorry about your friend. I lost a best friend a few years ago too and it was painful, but looking back I realized she was never really my best friend...I adore my hubby, but I have to have ALOT of female friendships. I don't know why, but I equate my self worth with how many friends I have...I know that is not healthy and probably sounds high schoolish...I have several very close girlfriends, but it would be hard to choose one as the best friend. My husband is very supportive of the friend time because I am more relaxed and happier when I get home from spending time with them. I probably spend time with friends 2-3 evenings a week after the kids go to bed. They play a huge role in my life. I have a feeling that you and I would be real life friends if we lived closer...you are such an amazing person! And I hope you have a fabulous time away...thank you for writing another post that really leaves me thinking :)
My husband is my best all time friend, but I still need a best girlfriend. There's just something different about it. I have lots of chances to be social (we have an active ward) but I miss some of the friendships I gave up when I quit working. I do have girlfriends I keep up and my blog friendships help, but yes, I wonder if I'll have another close friendship with another girl like I had before I got married.
My hubby is my best friend. But I still like girlfriends... :)
I have had thoughts on friendship percolating in my mind for about a week. I wanted to blog them, just haven't had/made the time to do it. You beat me to the punch.
I would definately say Superman is my best friend. He has been since we started hanging out when I 16. But, his sister is the one who has the label of my BFF. Still does. We are separated by several states, but still talk frequently.
However, I long for a best friend that lives close by. There are several women within my circle of friends I think I could be good, even best friends with. But no matter the efforts I make, our friendship doesn't go beyond the hanging out stage.
I've been walking in the mornings with a couple of women and I feel much closer to them. But I still long for deep friendships with others.
I honestly feel like I'm better friends with some of the women I blog with than those I know in "real life." I guess I need to make my real life friends start a blog. Ü
My husband is my best guy friend but I also have a best girl friend that I confide in. It is healthy to have both. I also have the pleasure of working nights with my best girlfriend and we have fun sharing, giggling, silly, deep thoughts, etc. It is ok to still mourn the loss (from a hospice nurse here:))
I haven't had a "best friend" since before Andrew and I got married. Somtimes it's hard.
Well, my hub is my best friend, but he sucks at that role sometimes.
So, I am really happy to have a best friend of 17 years who i can really hash out my problems-girl style.
I also mourned the loss of an old friend a few years ago. It was really hard to let go, but I believe sometimes we just grow apart. Sorry, though. That is really hard.
I totally have a best friend! I'm bummed because she just moved away. I think some people are just fine leaning on their husband, and others really need that female bond. I have a friend who doesn't really need that female bond; needless to say, we're not as good of friends, now that I know that. She just wants someone to hang out with, whereas I usually need more than that.
I think this is why so many people love blogs. You can SORT OF have that connection without having to make time to really hang out and talk one on one. Does that make sense?
Have fun this weekend!!!
Okay, I wrote that before reading all the other comments.
To Heather up there, I totally get a little jealous when my friends talk about their OTHER friends. It's kind of a reality check. "Oh, you mean I'm not the one and only person you ever see or confide in??" :)
Also. I love blogs, because I've gotten to know people that I never had the time to really get to know. There are at least 3 or 4 people I knew in high school that I now "know" through blogs. I didn't really know them too well in high school, but by reading their blogs, I've realized that they're like my kindred sisters or something! Those kinds of friendships are neat, because they're people I actually know. So when we want to hang out, we can, and it's not that first awkward "I read your blog" moment. Those are the friends that are really close seconds to my BEST best friend. :)
Sorry for the lengthy comment! You seem to have struck a chord with a lot of us. :)
Well... I had a close girl best friend in High school.. in fact I had two of them. Then when I married... it just wasnt the same anymore. They were into things I was no longer into. I still speak with both... but we are not even a smigin as close as we used to be.
For the last 14 years, my hubby has been my bf. And it works. Sometimes I wish I had a close GF, who had the same values as I do, who was into the same stuff, who understood the things I deal with daily... and Im sure there are women out there who do... however, I have found that women as a whole, we require too much work. =)
I can share my innermost, darkest secrets with my hubby, we do everything together, and its not extra work to maintain our closeness/relationship/friendship.
At least thats how it is for me. =)
Have a good time!!!
I ache for a female best friend. I think having your husband as your best friend is wonderful. I emotionally lean on him and love spending time. But there are some needs he cannot fill that a female can.
I often tell him I have my husband, now I need my wife. It's the hard part of living 15 minutes from town. I have a bf that I grew up with and was inseparable all through high school. She lives back in our hometown and I live 9 hours away. Every day I wish she and I could live in the same town because I have yet to find a connection with anyone else like I have with her. It's a struggle.
My husband is totally my best friend. Hanging out with him all the time is what makes me really happy. He understands the way I work, he knows things about me, he forgives me with little effort, he makes me the happiest.
However with that said, I totally need my girl time too. I guess I dont have a single one best friend. You're right, but I have a VERY close group of girls (there are about 21 of us) that I can call up anytime if I ever needed anything. It's amazing to see the way we can pull together to get things done when one of us has a life challenge (baby, divorce, twins, accident, depression, etc). We make a point to gather once a month in a large group and randomly will get together other times for smaller activities.
It's a noticeable difference when I get reenergized to be a better wife, mom, and friend.
It's been a long, long time since I had a great, close friend. In fact, I think it's been since before I got married. And honestly, while I love my husband, and I tell him just about everything, I long for a friend that I can call for anything, someone who is like family. I think that is one of the reasons that I blog, I am trying so hard to fill that void in my life, and blogging helps, but it doesn't quite do it for me.
I've actually just gained my first truly BEST friend in a while.
I used to call Shelby my best friend, but I can't remember the last time she's called me or texted me just to ask me how I'm feeling.
Izzy does that all the time.
I'm sorry to hear about your friendship, but you have plenty of time to find someone worth it!
I have two best friends--one, however, lives in Germany, but we talk and email all of the time. I love having best friends outside of my spouse. My husband IS my best friend, but I also need girl time. It's just hard to spend the time you like with those best friends because of our families--families come first. But once I'm your friend, I'm a friend for life!
Okay, so I didn't bother reading more than two or three comments from the other people on this little discussion, but I'm gonna go ahead and say that a woman who is convinced that her husband is the best and only friend she needs is wrong. Women need other women. Period. It's psychologically proven. And yeah, I LOVE my Hubby with all my heart and he's a real good listener to all the things I have to talk about, but even with all of his greatness he just can never understand what it is to be a woman because he doesn't know. And often he just doesn't get it.
I've always been so blessed in friendship, and have many woman who I have cried to, called on to help me, listened to, etc. I also have a best friend who has taken my middle of the night phone calls, and had driven 40 miles just to bring me an apple juice.
Have you read "Snow Flower and the Secret Fan" ? Excellent book. She's like my "old same."
For me, it's hard to have BEST friends that I see all the time and get together with and just CLICK with. Those people, who I love dearly often move away or live far from me. I've had best friends though that are my BEST friends because of one thing...we write. And we WRITE long letters. I have a BFF and we write, this may sound pathetic, but 35-40 handwritten pages every month plus we email every few days. I'm sorry that you lost your friend, it is a deep loss.
I'm commenting before reading the other (44!) comments so I give no guarantees that I won't say the same thing everyone else said.
I actually heard that if you ask a woman who her best friend is, she'll name another woman, but if you ask a man, he'll name his wife. BUT I do think that women get so busy with their families that they don't have time for other close friendships, sometimes -- yet some manage to, and I'm jealous. Family and blog friends largely fill the void for me when I really am too busy (or stuck at home with sick kids) but I do TRY to keep my other real-life friendships alive, if I can. It's just so hard.
I actually have a whole shpiel on this topic, the above is just a very abbreviated version. I DO think we still need close friendships, but I think our busy busy busy busy pace of life mitigates against that, to our loss.
I'm sorry you lost your friend. My best friend and I have known each other for 25 years. She's been with me through everything, the good and bad. I can't imagine life without her.
You know, I've been reading the comments as people have posted. And I think we just need to let go of some other things (SOME), so that we DO have time for friends. Obviously, we need friends. Maybe we make ourselves too busy sometimes. Maybe there are things we could give up, so we can have time to strengthen some of those relationships... We give up things to have a stronger relationship with our family, why not friends, too? They seem to be quite important to us women! :) Something to think about anyway...
My best friend lives 3 hours away. I saw her on Friday and it was great. I don't have a lot of girlfriends. I have one good friend in my ward right now. She is friends with a lot of people though.
Most of the women in my ward are a lot younger than me. Many are still having babies and I am DONE.
I also am picky about my friends kids. If the kids drive me nuts, I am not as eager to hang oun with the mom.
I haven't had a best friend since graduating from high school and moving away from my 2 best friends. We still communicate, but more in a "I'm still interested in your life because we used to be best pals" way, instead of a "we are still totally pals" way. For the first few years of my married life my favorite sister lived here, and she was a great best friend. We showed up at each other's houses whenever we felt lonely or bored, and we were good at putting up with each other's kids. Man I miss that!
My husband's great about talking and listening, but I definitely wouldn't say he's *all* I need in the friend department. Women communicate on a whole other plane. It's one of the reasons I could kinda get on board with polygamy! heeheehee
Sorry about the loss of your friendship. I know how that feels.
But have a great little vaca with your hubby!
I love my husband, but I need my girlfriends just as much. I couldn't survive without them!
Sorry, girl, but I think I disagree with you (for the first time!)
My hubby is my best friend. He knows me inside and out. (Ahem.) I am closer to him than anyone else.
BUT.
I need my girlfriends. Life would taste ... fat-free without them. Still, good, but something wanting.
My husband is also my BF but there is something about having a best girlfriend that fills a need nothing else could. I am so sorry about your that is so hard
I love my husband. He talks a lot (which I LOVE) and watches SYTYCD and ANTM with me without a word of complaint. He buys me all of my best shoes and dresses. But, I need more. There are things I NEED to say that can't be said to him. Fortunately, I have a sister. We are closer than close. We share everything. So much so, that when my husband tells me something confidential he has to add a disclaimer: You may or may not tell Mindy about this.
I had a best friend that wasn't my sister. She became my sister-in-law, and it just hasn't been the same since.
Wade is my very best friend in the whole world...but sometimes I wish that I had some girlfriends to hang out with regularly. It just gets so hard to maintain friendships because I find that a lot of time I am just not in the same place (single, no kids...etc...)in life and it makes it hard to REALLY relate. Does that make any sense at all?
Erin I am glad that you posted this, I have enjoyed reading the comments. I have to have girlfriends in my life and I have a couple of best friends, I'm sorry about you loosing yours and I hope your heart heals. I lost a best friend a couple of years ago and time does help and the friendship has been repairing itself. I don't think it will ever be like it was but I am okay with that now.
While Splenda is my ultimate BFF - I gotta have girls in my life too. I have several that I can call my good BFF's and that I talk to daily, see at least more than once a week and text or email daily too....
Hubbies are good for some things, but i truly believe that women need women. I don't know how I would survive without my sisters and my girlfriends.
I'm so sorry about your friend. Hopefully one day you can rekindle your friendship with her.
Post a Comment