And when I say "trying," I mean somewhere between not avoiding and actively trying. With Ethan, we actively tried for 13 months (plus Clomid). For me, that meant 13 months of charting periods, taking my temperature, and crying; 13 months of panic attacks, 13 months of jealousy; seven months of hate and extreme anger and five months of therapy (that's another story for another day). Until that year, I had spent every moment of my existence trying to gain control of every aspect of my life. When I couldn't get pregnant, my life went into a complete tailspin and my control-freak-self almost didn't make it through.
I have gotten better since then. Much better in some areas, a little better in others.
All around me, people are announcing their pregnancies. I have at least 20 blog friends who are pregnant right now, 10 of whom have announced their pregnancies within the last three weeks. Two cousins just gave birth last week, and four others are pregnant. Even my sister is eight months pregnant. I am not quite sure how to feel about all of this.
I joked with Christian that we would not attempt to get pregnant in July, because that would mean another April baby. Ethan was born April 25 and Aidan was born April 14 (even Christian's birthday is April 6). But some part of me deep down thought that maybe God would have a great sense of humor and grant me a pregnancy that month so we would have yet another April baby.
It didn't happen. Instead, my 10 blog friends (and a few real life friends too) have announced their pregnancies and their due dates are in April (or the end of March). Part of me kind of thought I would be announcing a pregnancy too.
But another part of me is loving the free time I have for the first time in 6 1/2 years. With Ethan in first grade and Aidan in preschool, I have 2 1/2 hours a day to myself. I also love the fact that my kids are older, and a bit more independent. That makes me more independent too. And working out is getting me in better shape than I have been in years! I also love having my body to myself (as opposed to growing a baby for 9 months and then nursing for a year).
But another part of me wants a baby. I want to bring another spirit into this world. I love the yummy baby smell, and the unconditional love, and the tinyness, and the warmth, and the specialness of bringing a baby into our home.
However, whether I get pregnant this month, or we're finished having kids, I am happy. Truly happy. I am so thankful to God for helping me learn to relinquish control over this situation. Ultimately He is in charge, and I put my trust in Him.
P.S. I'm not trying to alienate any of my pregnant friends - I truly am happy for you!
58 people wanted to leave a comment:
Oh, Erin - that last paragraph? Bless you for being happy no matter what and your faith!
Erin,
I tried to come up with some really wonderful statement and it come out sounding trite. So here goes with the real, unfiltered me. I am done having babies, unless God sees to bless us with more. I look forward to grandchildren, if and when that ever happens. ( with four kids, I should get a couple gk's?)
You seem like the best mom, and your children are blessed to have you as their mother, and a home which fulfills their needs, etc.
Thanks for sharing this with the whole blogging world, it is probably a really difficult time.
Thanks also for leaving a comment on my blog.
I am inspired by you being happy no matter what His plan is. I have had a hard time with that this year because of all of the ups and mostly downs my family has had this year. Thank you for reminding me that I need to not be such a control freak. There is a plan for everything.
I am so sorry Erin!!! But you are such a great example to us all of being happy no matter what happens. I am one that truely believes babies come when Heavenly Father wants them too. We didn't plan Alyssa and we got pregnant a month after we were married and then we tried for seven months before we could get pregnant with Owen~that is why they are almost 4 years apart!! Anyway, keep the faith!!!
Sometimes I feel all at peace with it -even most of the time. I'm happy & confident in Heavenly Father's plan for us. I know one way or another & eventually I'll have a baby. I've completely okay with the fact that it might never happen biologically for us.
And other times I want to scream. I cry and cry and cry...
Oh Erin, I am not one to give advice, I was one who looked at Grumpy and got pregnant. Maybe that is why when I was told I was through I thought my life ended.
I had 3 babies. The Dr said your body can not physically handle another another pregnancy.
I thought the world had ended. 3 children. How could I have 3 children. I came from a family with 8.. I felt father in heaven robbed me I was so angry. It took me a long time to realize, I was a good mom to 3 babies.. I didn't need a house full, although 1 more would have been great. LOL!
I am happy to see you are turning it over to the Lord. Because he is ultimately in charge. It took me a long time find that out. Not to be bitter each time someone had a baby.
You have found what took me years to find.
Embrace that.
I am want another baby too. I have two beautiufl boys but my heart wants a third. I don't know if it will happen or not. Part of me is scared. We have friends who recently had a baby with severe deformities and neurological problems...that would change our lives so much, but do I give up the hope of third due to my fear?
"Trying" to get pregnant and not succeeding is exhausting! I went though that with my secound pregnancy...and it ended in miscarriage.
You are not the only one going through this. For some reason if I try it takes forever and doesn't seem to work.. when we don't try, it works.
Yep, just have to trust that the Lord knows best. *HUGS*
I know all about being a control freak. It's the main reason I have anxiety. I fear the loss of control. I think if I could apply what you said in the last paragraph, I could be a much happier person. Thank you for being so honest and open. (((hugs)))
By the way, I just read the quote from Portia Nelson on your sidebar. It's so true.
I totally understand where you are coming from. I had secondary infertility when we tried for Olivia. It was heartbreaking. I went a solid 18 months with charting/temping/Clomid. Then finally conceived and lost the baby at 9 months. Everyone kept telling me it would happen in the Lord's time - but I just didn't want to hear it.
Turns out that 3 days after my M/C Ethan was diagnosed with type 1. There is no way I could have taken care of him properly had that pregnancy continued. Once I got things under control we started trying again. And it wasn't until we stopped trying that I found out I was PG.
Keeping everything crossed for you though - I know the pain of the 2 week wait.
If it makes you feel any better I was in the same boat. We had been "not preventing" it for about 7 months and I had decided it just wasn't going to happen for a while and was at peace with that. I was also enjoying having a little bit more independence and I was getting my body back in shape, and then surprise! I think the hardest thing for me is always remembering that the Lord knows better than I do what I need and what I can handle. Good luck and thanks for being happy for me.
You have a great attitude. Thank you for sharing with us.
Did you read cjane the other day? If you haven't, do it.
But it sounds like you've gotten to the same point that she did. And I think it's important to find the happiness in what we have.
We've been trying since January, and nada. Sometimes I get worked up over it, but I guess I finally realized about a week ago that I am happy with my three now. And if I can't have another, that's okay.
Perhaps getting in better shape is just what you need. Who knows? :)
Living in this culture, being the religion that we are, I have seen several people devastated by not being able to conceive. I really admire your attitude as well! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers!
Thank you for being so honest with us, Erin. I know that infertility is heartbreaking. I am thinking of you!
I hope it happens for you Erin. I'm sorry this is hard and at the same time am impressed by your attitude. I need to learn from you.
While fertility isn't the issue here with me (we had 3 kids in 3.5 years, lol)...I am struggling with this subject as well. Aaron is a most excellent father and really good husband, but says he's done having kids. I want one more desperately. Those feelings of jealousy and anger are currently what I'm going through. Not to say I'm not grateful for my 3, I really am...you know what I'm saying. Anyway, I have to respect Aarons no (and it's not a mean NO, it's just a no for a few reasons I have to appreciate) and hopefully one day I can come to peace with that. In the meantime, I'm hoping/praying he changes his mind and trying hard not to resent him in the process. Sigh.
Hang in there Erin! Thanks for sharing your thoughts and letting me dump mine on you this morning.
I think so many people can relate to what you said. I know I can. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
You know what, Erin? You have a good heart, and that is all God asks of you.
I won't be getting pregnant anytime soon.... So here's a name that won't be putting itself in the ring.
I'm sorry for your struggles. My brother and sister-in-law have been having difficulty for many years.
I'm just learning the relinquishing control lesson, and it's a hard one. You have a great attitude though. I need to follow your example!
It definitely feels like EVERYONE else is pregnant!! ALL my friends from high school, about a dozen at church, family members... The list goes on...
I'm at a point where I'm very happy with my two, but I'm scared that I'm not hearing God tell me we should have another. I think I pray every single night to know what His will is, concerning kids. I feel a little bit selfish only having two, because my worries about having another one are totally selfish. I don't know... I haven't felt like we should try for another yet, but what if I'm just not hearing Him tell us to, ya know?
You're in the best place ever--happy. And that's what counts. I'm not sure what to wish for you, because either outcome could be a wonderful one for you. So I'll just wish you more happiness, with God in control and peace in your heart.
I have been through the wanting and waiting phase, too. With the help of some pharmaceuticals and faith all things finally worked their way out. You have a great attitude already and sounds like you have things figured out. I hope that you stay happy and hopeful and know that all will work its way out for you, too.
It's such an amazing thing to let go of that need for control (at least a little bit anyway) and find that a greater trust in God is one of the blessings in store for you.
I had a really hard time during the year we spent trying to get pregnant with Claira. Emma and Becca came so easily, and for awhile I couldn't understand why things had to be so hard suddenly. But then I saw how much I was learning about myself, how much I was letting go, and how much I was enjoying my two girls as things were. In retrospect, I wouldn't trade that year with my girls for anything.
I can't wait to congratulate you on the much anticipated event, but in the meantime I congratulate you on this new perspective. What a gift!
I don't feel alienated! I think right now, it sounds like you're looking at it in a really healthy way. You'll be dealing with aches and uterus pains soon enough so why not embrace the positive?
Good for you to find the happiness in your situation. I know how difficult it can be to give up that control and just be. That is something I need to be better at doing.
I hope you will get pregnant soon!
18 months (+clomid) to conceive the first one. 16 months (+clomid) to conceive the second. 13 months to conceive # 3 (shockingly, he was a surprise), and five months to conceive #4. So there was a downward trend with our children; maybe there will be for you as well.
Best wishes on your family-planning journey.
Hang in there!
I'm so impressed by your perspective, Erin. I know that it's hard to go through that, but it's so much harder if you let it consume your life and shut out the happiness. What a great example you are to all of us.
What a poignant and lovely post, Erin. I have missed reading your blogs so much! I remember throwing A LOT of baby showers for friends during the time it took me to get pregnant with my son (5 years.) I would put on a smile at the shower and then bitterly cry afterwards. Thanks for sharing this!! BTW, I've started posting again...the time had come :)
I think life with two boys who are old enough to be somewhat independent is a pretty sweet life. I almost said no the The Spirit, when it was tapping on my shoulder for baby #3. I was like: Um...life is getting so fun! I don't want to start over! And then baby #3 came, and I fell in love all over again.
So...you're totally right. 2 delightful boys would be great (think of all the traveling and fun adventures you can do forever more!), and having a third would also be great. You're sitting dandy, my friend!
Good luck, though! I'm sure the best thing will happen for you...whatever that may be!
I'll be even happier if you can join me and the fellow April-ians.
Praying for you -
The Lord's timing is truly always right, but the wait can be excruciating.
I can't wait to hear baby news from you. It will happen!
Good luck either way. I hope you have more just because you're such a great mom. I bet it's taking a while because all those spirits are just fighting it out for the right to come into your home next. I, myself, am 2 weeks away from having my body to myself and I plan on keeping it that way for a while!
It's a good feeling to give up control. That's almost taking control isn't? You are controlling the fact that you are giving it up!
We had to use Clomid to get our last one. When we decided to try for one more. We decided no Clomid. If it was meant to be, it was meant to be. It wasn't.
But now 18 years later, I can see that our family is exactly what it should be.
I'll be praying for you!
I've read more blogs struggling with infertility than I have celebrating pregnancy.
Sounds weird, right?
But I hope you have a happy ending!
Control, it's a hard one to come to terms with.
Fabulous post Erin. Very real.
I do know how you feel. I have never been able to conceive. For the first 10 years of my previous marriage I was on every kind of fertility treatment there was short of Invitro Fertilization. I have been told there is no reason for me Not to concieve, my body for some reason just doesn't cooperate. I adopted my daughter at birth (she is now almost 16) and my son when he was 1-1/2 yrs old (he is now 13). I would not trade that experience for nothing.
It has been very difficult for me on and off over the years. I have felt like a failure in that area. But I am truly blessed. My kids are miracles to me. How their adoptions came to be is definately Gods gift to me. They are almost exactly 2 years apart - April 5 and April 8th... so I know what you mean about April birthdays.
Good Luck but just be happy you have the kids you have and try no to worry about the rest. Easier said than done I know.
If it doesn't happen, you can always adopt. There are lots of kids out there who need good homes.
Sorry for the long post.
You are such an amazing person and smart too!! I was in the same boat in March when I had my first pregnancy, which ended in miscarriage. I couldn't even attend a few baby showers I was invited to...and I was still the only member of my ward that didn't have kids.
But, I also came to the same conclusion, and am grateful for all the blessings in my life...I mean, my husband was deployed as an infantryman for a total of 3 years, and he always came home safe!!
I love your insightful posts, and wish you nothing but the best!!!
Wanting more babies.
Not wanting more babies.
No knowing what you want.
It is all part of the merry-go-round of being a woman. I think about the fact that my baby days are over almost every day and wish they weren't.
Finding peace is the key to stop the spinning. It' looks like you are there.
Wanting more babies.
Not wanting more babies.
No knowing what you want.
It is all part of the merry-go-round of being a woman. I think about the fact that my baby days are over almost every day and wish they weren't.
Finding peace is the key to stop the spinning. It' looks like you are there.
You know how angry I was when things just weren't going the way I wanted them to? I'm glad you don't have that anger. Though, looking back, I'm glad that things worked out the way they did. Lots of time spent alone with this baby that is coming. Also, lots of time spent with my little Land, just me and him. It worked out well. Good luck. I understand not knowing how to feel.
Love the last paragraph!
Muchos love from me! I'll pray for your uterus... : )
Keep up the spirits (and the sexing...)
The joys of struggling right? I don't think you are alone in this. At least you have two kids right?
My sister in law has been trying for 3 years, and can't get pregnant, and has tried a few helps.
Everyone tells me quit stressing and it will happen! Wish it were that easy right? It will happen. Don't give up yet!
Oh, Erin, I can relate. I was ready for a baby a full year before I got pregnant, but my husband and I didn't see eye to eye on the matter. Every time a friend announced a pregnancy or had a baby, I ached.
Relinquishing control is not an easy thing.
I hope God answers your prayers the way you want Him to. (If I could make one of those cute little hearts, I would.)
Oh Erin!! I feel for you! It took us 13 months to finally get pregnant with our last and here I am again, on my first month on the TTC bus! Eeek!!! I'm *already* anxious and counting every cycle day, watching my chart hoping it magically tells me I ovulated, and checking my temperature daily. I'm sure I'll buy $ store tests by the bucket load!!! Hopefully we'll get preggo together! Ohh, I'm trying soy isoflavones in lieu of clomid this time. It's like natures clomid and it has a lot of success. Google it! I'll let you know if it works for me!!! :)
OH Erin, thanks for your post today. That is why I love coming over here, honest and true and full of faith. hugs to you.
So sorry to hear this Erin. I know so many who struggle with getting pregnant or miscarrying. A friend of mine just miscarried her second over the weekend. Some things are out of our control and need to be turned over to the one who created us. Thanks for your post. It was faith promoting.
Our first two babies came pretty easily, but then there was this unintentional gap that I couldn't understand. I look back now and realize that it was crucial for our little family to get our feet under us first. Then 6 years later we had two more and my mothering experience was new and fresh and I loved it (not that I didn't love it the first time around, but I was a little older and more chill about it).
The craving for a baby is unexplainable though, and I hope you can find the peace you want. Best wishes.
I hope you get the outcome your hoping for! Your positivity is inspiring. : )
I've been pretty amazed at your relaxed attitude about the whole thing! For me I'd always TRY to just let whatever happen, but just knowing that any moment I MIGHT BE pregnant made me crazy!
My heart goes out to you. It's the laws of nature. As soon as you start trying and can't, everyone and their dog gets pregnant...including the ones who were trying NOT to get pregnant. I'm envious of those girls who, all they have to do is think about getting pregnant and it happens for them. And I end up having to track and actively try for months on end, and see all the people who got pregnant when I started trying actually having thier babies. And even though I'm always excited for them, still, it's enough to make a person want to scream. I have never reached that dreaded year mark of trying before getting pregnant (though I've come close)so I can't say I know how you feel. But my prayers are with you. And I am inspired by your attitude.
You are a far better woman than I. I have not decided to reliquish control...I am trying to get a handle on it! The more I try the more frusterated I am with God for not granting the rightous desire of my heart! I am tring to be happpy however everything in my body SCREAMS that it is time to be a mother...I wish heavenly father would listen!
I will be praying for you! I went through the same thing and ended up with a beautiful baby boy! I finally ended up going with artificial insemination!
erin- I am very in awe of your attitude. It's sincere- it's amazing- and it must just be so hard sometimes! thanks for the example- I can use it in so many ways.
Yea for you! It took us a year with Bailey, but the fact that I had 2 children already made me feel so blessed. Good luck Erin! I love you!
This is an issue I've never had and can't exactly understand, but I know it's very real for many women. I'm so happy for you that you feel you've worked through it.
Also, I'm sort of glad that this pregnancy is really doing me in. Since it will be our last, it will be so much easier not to want to be pregnant again (besides the feeling the baby move, I will always love that). Seriously, the thought of doing it again and having it be exactly like this is awful.
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