So this is what you are telling me: because one person wrote one post that disagrees with your beliefs, even if you have enjoyed everything you have read up until that point, you have to degrade/berate her on her blog and inform her that you will never read her again?
Now, I understand having different feelings or a different opinion from someone else. There are millions of different people with millions of different blogs out there. Inevitably someone will feel differently about a subject than you do. I have had situations where I disagree with someone's beliefs. Recently, someone used a word that I am morally opposed to (no, it wasn't a swear word). And do you know what I do in those situations?
I click away.
If I decide I am turned off by their tone, and I keep seeing things that I don't agree with, I will probably take them out of my reader. I see no reason to be rude to them before doing that. (I am not against respectfully disagreeing, although I personally would never do it. I would just click away.) In my opinion, your blog is your own little world where you write what you want to write about. As a commenter, I feel that comments should be uplifting and helpful. If you want to write a comment that is rude or mean, then I would prefer that you click away.
I also realize that this is my opinion, and you may not agree with me. That's the potential danger and the interestingness (made up word - I couldn't think of a better word) of living in a world with so many different people.
Now is the part where I write something that is vulnerable to me, and I may potentially lose readers because of it. But I have decided I am tired of being safe, tired of pretending I am perfect in every way when I know I am SO far from perfect. I'm tired of having a happy-go-lucky blog all of the time, even when I'm not feeling so happy-go-lucky. This may turn some people off. I am ready and willing to accept that.
As I have said before, I am not a political person, and in fact, politics bore me. (Although, when I watched the news last night with my husband and the results of the legislative session from yesterday were announced on the tv, my husband had a few choice words to shout at the tv in anger. I think he and I have a good discussion ahead of us about how we both really feel about politics.) ...and I digress.
Anyway, here's the thing: I have a gay brother in law and a gay very close friend from college (I graduated from college 12 years ago - I'm old!), and I love and adore both of them. She has found her life partner; he hasn't yet. I love both of them, and I sincerely want both of them to be happy (and they are happy living their lives as gay human beings). I believe they should have equal opportunities and equal rights to married couples, and that their sexual orientation shouldn't be prejudiced against. I really hope their heartache from being oppressed will one day be lessened, or even eventually eradicated. I have seen the heartache both of them have experienced as they have come out and decided to live their lives with authenticity, and the natural consequences (both good and bad) that have come from that. I applaud their bravery and I really hope that one day their sexual orientation will be a non-issue to everyone around them, including in legislature.
I realize that this opinion isn't necessarily popular with my culture, and I realize that I may lose some readers because I am publishing my opinion. But I am tired of hiding my feelings on my own blog. You may be seeing more blog posts like this from me, as I navigate through my own search for authenticity. So, if you don't like what you see, and this is the last time you will ever read me, buh bye. I wish you well. No hard feelings.
(P.S. It is terrifying me to click "publish." I'm scared of the reaction this post may receive. I have been sitting here way too long NOT clicking that little button. But I'm doing it right now anyway, because this is the real me.)
56 people wanted to leave a comment:
Good for you Erin. I'm glad you're standing up for your position. I have to say I can see the argument from both sides and I respect your opinion. And I won't stop reading your blog because of it. There's little you could do to lose me. Maybe if you came out and denounced Survivor......
And was the spelling of controversial supposed to be a controversy or just a typo?
I am never reading your blog again!! Humph! :)
I have had all the comments on CJane emailed to me. And I do think that for the most part, they have been very respectful. And frankly, I don't have an issue with someone saying that they lost a reader over something someone said, if it's done in a polite manner, and without name calling, etc. Courtney is not naive. She has a massive audience, and had to have known that post wasn't going to be the most popular.
I've talked with a few people about her post, and while I definitely disagree with what she said, I respect her right to say whatever she wants. On the other hand, that post was a week ago and people are STILL commenting, she is still allowing comments, and anonymous ones to boot, so, I do think some of the onus is on the blog owner to curb some of that if they don't want to be a part of that.
And for the record, I agree and support what you are saying. I have thought a lot about gay rights since Prop 8, and honestly, if I were in California, I truly have no idea how I would have voted. It's not as easy as saying, "This is what the church believes, so this is what I believe."
I adore you!
Sorry for the longest comment ever.
Thank you for fixing my typo Desta. Clearly I wasn't in my right mind when I typed that one out :)
And thanks Kristina for your thoughts too. You are right - it is up to the writer to accept responsibility for what they write, and to curb comments if they don't like what they are seeing.
I agree with Kristina - she had to know that what she was writing would offend some. But that being said - I didn't see it until today. Because she pissed me off a looooong time ago and I stopped reading her way back when.
Although I didn't make a big public display of it and leave a nasty comment. I simply removed her blog from my reader list and didn't really think about it again.
Just different ways to handle situations I guess and some people need to make a spectacle.
Thank you thank you! I have had similar problems with facebook. People think that because they are behind a computer that they can be 'mean' in comments. I'm like you- if I don't agree or think what is said is simply ridiculous, I just say nothing (or click away). I NEVER comment rudely, but have been 'bullied' many times by 'friends' on facebook because they didn't agree with me. Annoying! And it's not like my thoughts were all that controversial...
Thank you also for your thoughts on gay rights. I have similar mixed feelings, and I ALWAYS get uncomfortable when people start ranting about how certain things are black and white. I just don't agree that they are. A friend of mine (who happens to be gay) labels himself as a socially liberal and fiscally conservative when it comes to politics... I like that.
I will keep reading your blog. :)
I have a gay sister-in-law, and her "life" partner just up and left her last month and took their two children with her and my SIL has no rights to them. It is a big, hairy mess.
Because the prophet has said that marriage is to be between a man and a woman, I will uphold that. HOWEVER, I do think that something needs to be done. I'm all for civil unions or whatever. I've seen too much heartache in people's lives to think that they should be denied everything.
It's a tough situation. And one that has so many facets it's really difficult to know what is really the best choice. Like you, I try to just ignore politics instead.
I love blogging because of all the many opinions I read. I may or may not agree, but my mind is definitely opened and I feel very enriched for hearing all sides of things.
Your blog should be a place where you can reveal the real you. Where you can come out of your own closet.
I agree with Lara's comment. It is such a tough one.
Very brave of you to click that publish button. I think you will find that more people than you thought will agree with you. I am one of them.
I also agree with about everything that Lara said. I do believe that marriage should only be between a man and a woman, and that it should remain that way. But I also believe that people should be able to own and will property with andto whomever they choose, have hospital visits from whomever they love, and get medical benefits as well. One opinion that I hold and will share because you were so bold to share yours among our culture- don't believe it is right for gay couples to raise children. I think it's hard enough being gay, and to expose children to that confusion itn't fair, and that kids need the best possible example.
Now I hope that you'll still read MY blog now that I have shared my opinion that is somewhat different than yours. And I will also try to be more open about certain personal thoughts and beliefs. (although I NEVER hold back about my political beliefs haha).
Thank you Loralee. That's exactly what I'm talking about - a respectful discussion where we can feel okay about giving our opinion, knowing that not everyone will agree with us, but having respect for that person for the fact that they are willing to share their beliefs without being attacking. Thank you!
Erin,
As a relative newcomer to your blog (got here through MMB) I'm glad you posted this because I think one of the biggest problems we face as a nation is that we have come to the point where we have defined "disagreeing" to mean disliking, ignoring,demonizing etc. Respectful disagreement seems, sadly, to be a lost art.
Do you remember the Mormons documentary on PBS a few years back? When dealing with the issue of the Church's stance on homosexuality, they interviewed Elder Jensen of the 70. He was so sweet and loving and got quite choked up, he clearly empathized with the difficult issue this is. He simply said something like he didn't understand everything and expressed empathy and love. I love that stance.
Like Lara and LoraIee have to believe the prophet knows things I don't, so I sustain that. But I don't think it needs to be angry and strident.
Sorry, long post!
Still here, still reading and I love that YOU are being YOU :) People can agree or disagree without attacking one another but people sometimes lose all tact and grace on blogs and emails. I really dislike that.
I applaud you for stating your opinion. And I agree with you too. I am very torn about same-sex relationships. But I do stand firm to the belief that all are free to choose for themselves. It isn't my choice, but who am I do decide for someone else. You know?! Anyway, that's all. Hugs Erin!
What always gets me are the "Anonymous" comments. Like, Come on! If you feel like you have something to say, say it and don't hide it! But have you noticed that most anonymous readers (besides the ones like my mom, who dont know how to set up a profile :) they tend to be the ones leaving such mean comments. That is weak.
While I don't claim that i know a lot about Mormonism, (but I'm learning :) I do know that we both worship Jesus, and he says to Love one another. Not just strait people, but gay people too.
Even if you don't like it, even if you think it's a sin. Jesus still loves EVERYONE! And so should we. Just my two cents!
Proud of you Erin for speaking up!
I disagree! Unfollow! You have lost a reader in me!
NOT.
:)
Just wanted to validate you for clicking publish, even though you were nervous. Sometimes it is very scary to share our true selves because we're afraid of rejection or people just being mean. You're brave.
(and I also agree with you)
Hi Erin! Great job! It's hard to put yourself out there - even on your own blog.
I think of people's blogs the same way I think of visiting their homes. If I don't like how I feel when I go there, I leave. But I would almost never berate someone in their own home for something they said.
Great post!
First of all--Kudos to you for hitting the publish button! I understand now hard it must have been.
Second of all, Just because you believe one way you aren't running me off your blog yet. You were one of my first blogs in my reader and I really ENJOY your updates.
Thirdly, The whole gay/ controversy/ say what you want on your blog, I did not read C Jane's post yet, So I don't know what she wrote, but I do want to say this. Who's blog is this? It is YOUR blog. You can say whatever you want. As long as you don't swearing like a sailor on your blog and taking the Lord's name in vain I will continue to read you.
I think your opinion was stated well. The whole homosexual thing is hard to deal with especially with the stance the church takes.
But all we are asked to do, is to LOVE one another, and I believe you are doing that.
KUDOS to YOU!
Yes, there are other commandments too, but I think if you have the LOVE thing down good then all the other commandments are easy to follow. Don't you?
Happy Friday Erin.
Sorry this is such a LONG comment.
Good for you Erin. It does take guts. Rick and I have had quite energetic debates on this subject. We finally decided that we are both for civil unions. I don't think that anyone should be told that they aren't "family" enough to see a loved one in the hospital or can't get health insurance because their significant other is the same gender. Anyway, Rick and I very often feel like we are alone in politics because we are both fairly liberal (especially for Mormons!) so we tend to just not talk politics with anyone other than ourselves. And now you have got me started and if I don't stop now you might learn way too much about me. lol.
I'm so glad you wrote this. I agree with you about gay couples having equal rights. I have several good friends that are gay and have life partners. Though I do not condone their lifestyle, I don't see why they can't enjoy the same rights that I do as heterosexual married woman. I don't see how that hurts anyone. My friends know that I do not condone their lifestyle, but that has never been a hindrance to our friendship. I also have a couple friends who are gay and temple recommend holders. I applaud them for their courage in the face of the loneliness and isolation they face in many church and family situations.
(My views are very unpopular with my family. oh well)
Personally I'm all for loving people and don't see how it makes sense to take issue with someone for doing the same. My aunt's little brother is gay but as a member of the church has chosen not to marry or pursue that lifestyle choice. I applaud him for that. I confess though, that I don't understand it, and that my personal opinions about the legalities are very unformed. I just wish there could be more love and tolerance and less cruelty.
Good for you for searching for authenticity. It's a hard road and gets a bit muddled at times, but the rewards are amazing and difficult to predict!
I agree that you can feel safe to be authentic, but the problem that I have with the "home" analogy is that in the World Wide Web, we invite WAY more people in than we ever would into our home, but I agree that when I feel uncomfortable, I click away and don't usually come back.
I always try to be so careful choosing my words in an authentic way--the way I talk-- but also to be appropriate. (Now I'm worried that maybe my blog offended you.) I had a commenter write to me that she was deeply offended that I used the word "snot." I smiled, and understood where she was coming from, but snot is a huge part of my reality with three small children, so I figured she might just want to come back after they've grown up.
My first paragraph was stupid. I hope you could make some sense of it beyond the blatant run-on.
I applaud you! It takes a lot to be able to stand up and say what we feel..and you did it beautifully! That takes strength!
You don't know me, but I've been following your blog for a while. Oh my gosh, I sound like the biggest stalker! I promise I'm not a creepy man posing as a SAHM! Lara can vouch for me, I think her blog is how I found yours in the first place, and I've definitely used your links to help my blog look cool like yours. :)
Anyhow, I came out of lurkdom to tell you that you're not alone. I, too am an active LDS woman who is pro gay rights. I think I would be pro gay rights even if I didn't have a loved one who is gay; as it is, though, my sister is very happily married to a woman and I'm delighted for her.
It's a lonely position to be in. I've only found a couple of others who truly share the same opinion. And it's hard to know where the line is between "loving the person but not condoning the behavior." I've talked to priesthood leaders about my struggle with it and come to the conclusion that I have to go with my heart, which tells me to fight for my sister and her rights.
Yeah, I think I probably now win the longest-comment award. Or at least the longest-comment-from-a-crazy-blog-stalker award. Woohoo, I win! :)
Love the real you.
Honestly, I agree with you totally. I'm not quite sure why the word "marriage" is such a big deal, but it is. I think gay people should have the same rights as straight people.
love you, erin. thanks for being authentic.
It never occurred to me, reading your posts about wondering if you were being authentic, trying to find yourself, etc, that you actually had things that you needed to say that you weren't saying. It's like that song! "It's better to say too much, then never to say what you need to say." I'm proud of your blogging breakthrough!
I agree with you, if I dont agree with someones post usually I just decide not to comment.
I echo almost all of the above! Especially the bit about Blog owner's responibilties - you have to take the rough with the smooth if you're brave enough to put your head above the parapet.
I'm glad you chose to hit the publish button too!!
I mostly agree with you about clicking away. It's sort of a non issue for me because I don't read new blogs really (sort of sad, but I reached my limit), but I have quit reading blogs because I objected to content, without leaving a comment about it. The only time I WOULD leave a comment stating why I was leaving is if someone wrote nasty things about people who don't believe what they do. Like if you said that people who follow the church's stance are blind and stupid and obviously hate gay people etc. (and I didn't already know and love you) I might feel like I should leave a comment just saying that although I respect the difference of opinion, I am uncomfortable with the way it's presented etc. Even in your own little blogging world you should still be at least mostly respectful of other people's opinions.
This post is an excellent step toward being who you want to be on your own blog. I really appreciate that, Erin! Keep up the good work.
I survived the Prop 8 fight and I live with the dread of knowing we have to do it again. I was immediately against it when everything went down but the church's very clear stand on everything made it really hard for me. I had to a lot of soul searching and thinking and I admit that I finally came down on the side of pure obedience despite my misgivings. It's really uncomfortable but I tried to have faith. One of my husband's band mates came out just before the whole Prop 8 thing exploded and it's made it much more personal. I know this is the exact kind of thing the church doesn't want us to compromise on but it's the exact kind of thing that I wish we could. It's really, really stressful to live in California during voting season.
I like to read a lot of different blogs, not because the authors all have the exact same opinion as me....that would be boring. But, because I like to see what other people think about different topics. It's interesting, it helps me to see things from different perspectives. And if I don't agree with them, oh well. That's life.
You go girl! You have an opinion, so own it! And if you recall, the 11th Article of Faith claims our right to worship however we want and affords others that same liberty. Marriage is, essentially, a religious ceremony and as such, the government really should have no say in it. Marriage should be left to churches and department stores. And the government needs to recognize any legal document between people as such - a LEGAL document to define rights to property, children, etc.
Now here's the real kicker that not only pits ME against those who are against gay marriage, but also pretty much the rest of the nation (with the exception of a few thousand CRAZY people), not only should gays be allowed to enter into marriage unions, but so should polygamists, bigamists and any body else who wants to live together as a family. The government should step out of the equation when any consenting adults desire to form a marriage union.
From what I understand though, religious institutions have to step in and take a stand against this because when laws are put in place that say two men or two women can enter into marriage unions, and someone who doesn't believe in marriage between same sex adults refuses to perform the ceremony, then legal action can be brought against that individual. It's a sad thing that our government has taken over so much of our lives that we are forced to fight over something as beautiful and fulfilling as love.
And now I'll step off my soapbox.
Good for you for having the courage to stand up for what you believe in. Stand for something for fall for anything.
On the first part of your post: With someone like C Jane, who is so wildly popular, readership actually means quite a bit. It gets to a point where it's not personal anymore, and it is somewhat about the numbers... in which case it is an appropriate reaction in a reader, if they read something they fervently disagree with, to express disagreement by "boycotting." Not that that part of your post matters a whole lot.
On the real meat of the post.... I don't think many people even in our culture disagree with what you've said. I've never heard anyone come out and say "No! They should have no rights!" The issue comes in deciding what concessions to make to get it to that point, and nobody's really willing to allow much to make it happen.
Popular post!
Well said. And it would take a whole lot more than a difference in opinion in a post to make me stop reading your blog or anyone else's.
Also, I hate trolls. :)
1. If a person isn't real on their blog, I click away. Reading other's blogs are interesting to me only because of it being a real person with a real life and real issus.
Having gay family members and friends myself, I mostly in agreement with you. Bottom line, I want them to be happy.
Great post
First off- there is a great essay by Ayn Rand on feminism. Funny, she was a hard working, hard nosed woman who really earned her way, but she felt there has been a decline in female happiness with the push of feminism. read it, it will give you much to think about.
Second- you must be true to yourself. You may drive some away, you may pull others to you, but it is okay.
Third- I am with you on rights- but the word 'marriage' needs to have a definition. A =n amazing woman shared a story of living in California and fighting for Prop 8, she believes in traditional marriage, in spite of her homosexual son, who she loves and adores. She tells of the importance of staying true, especially when those close are involved, but loving them all the more. We need to understand, we need to be accepting, but loving and redefining the laws of this country are two different things. I am sure most of your readers see both sides. It is such a hard issue.
Good luck!
I think people can voice their opinions in whichever way they choose... it only resonates within us when the person who is speaking does so in a respectful tone.
I'm for homosexual people getting more rights. married, insurance, the whole bit.
and I know a lot of people don't agree... and thats okay. I think if either parties start taking a irrational stance and act immature and fight and yell and not be understanding of others thats when we have problems.
Hmmm. Without a hugely long comment, I'll just say: I also can see both sides of this issue, and I'm embarrassed when our "culture" (which I've never fit into very well) thinks the issue is cut and dry, black and white. To me, it's all gray area - it's a tricky issue, and we need to be loving and sensitive about it.
And don't get me started on abortion.
So, I just went back and read some of the other comments. I also agree with Lara. And I'm RELIEVED to know there are others who feel the way I do! Louie and I have felt like such freaks, living up here where everyone is super duper conservative. It's nice to know that we may not have to leave this state to find people we can talk freely with. (But they're certainly not in this neighborhood. Don't get me wrong, we love our ward, we just feel a little stifled up here.)
Good for you for not hiding from your ideas and beliefs. It is especially hard to share these beliefs with others in our religious community, when people don't even want to consider it.
I think that if two people love and are committed to each other and are willing to share their committment through some sort of legally bonding agreement (call it marriage or whatever), then they should be able to receive the same legal rights as a man and woman can if they are married.
I agree with a point Charmaine made above. If any two people can form a legally bonding agreement that gives them all of the rights and privileges currently afforded to husband/wife couples, then why not three people forming an agreement? Or 4 people? More? In some parts of the world, a person can even marry their pet.
I don't say this to facetious. There are thousands of _loving_ polygamists who desire greatly to have legal rights and be acknowledged of society. If our culture extends the definition of marriage to include same sex couples, then we must extend the definition to include polygamists, too. Those sister wives love each other, and they love their husband, too.
If we go that far, then I also demand we extend the definition to absolutely _anyone_ willing to love and commit to one another in a relationship. I recently read a news story about a half brother and sister who deeply love each other, live with one another, and can't see spending their lives with anyone else. The news story (http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/story?id=4794148&page=1) also states courts have denied them from sleeping together; if they do, they go to jail. That's certainly not fair. We can be the first country in the world to give the loving half brother and sister couple legal rights.
The question I openly ask is simple, and I pose it to anyone who reads this. Where does your definition of marriage/love end? Why do you stop the definition where you do? If you choose to stop at gay marriage only, would a television show about the antics of a funny polygamist family be enough to alter your opinion?
Don't ever be afraid to express your views, this is your blog and we love you no matter what! It's awesome to read your opinions! I personally disagree but that's okay. I love controversial topics, though I stink at arguing my point, haha! Hugs!
Erin, this pregnancy is making you so bold! I love it!
You can write whatever you want. And I don't care if people read or don't read someone's blog because of difference of opinions.
That's blogging.
But, I appreciate your honesty.
My Sister, whom I love so much, is Gay. Has been what seems like forever. So, everything is not so black and white for sure.
Thanks for the courage Erin!
WOW!! I LOVED this authentic post, Erin. I applaud you for sharing your opinion here and OH.MY.GOSH. CJane just left you a comment. I say share the real you and we will all love you for it. And kudos for making up words...I do it all the time. :)
Kudos for standing up for what you believe in, and having the courage to share!
When it comes to commenting, I try to stick with, 'if you can't say anything nice...' but at the same time, when posting something contraversial there is bound to be someone that feels the need to share their opinion b/c the writer did. (if that makes any sense)
I've had many gay friends over the years, just like I've had friends of many different beliefs and practices that I would never choose to participate in...but that doesn't change the loving person and amazing friends they have been for me. Great post!
Hi Erin, This is my first time on your blog & my first time making a comment on a blog. (Yay me!)
Just want to tell you that I am proud that you went ahead and clicked. I too have been struggling with how much "truth" I want to display on my blog -- I want it to be honest and real and me -- but it IS scary to open yourself up to criticism.
I 100% believe that respect should be given to those bloggers whose opinions differ from our own, and I 100% agree about clicking away - well put! :)
Just want to let you know that you have a new reader, way to go!
Jessica
(PS -- I am a firm believer in equal rights for ALL)
I applaud your search for authenticity. Be free to be you.
Thank you Erin! Thank you for your honesty, bravery and your loving open heart. This is my first time visiting....I think I will visit more often :)
too bad we aren't in the same ward anymore! you'd just die if you saw some of the sisters' faces when I talk about my opinions on gays/gay rights, etc! :) I did a research paper in college on the biological and genetic factors of it. It was eye opening. I'm also a lover of evolution though, so people have always thought of me as a tad crazy. I don't believe that either of my opinions go contrary to what our church teachers! so, thanks for being open.
I did not read the blog about feminism but I am grateful for your feelings on gay marriage. I to want equality and hope one day to see this happen. Thank you for your bravery in posting your feelings, it is comforting to me to see others that share my religous beliefs, also share my belief in the need for equal rights for gay and lesbian couples.
Keep being true to you.
This blog really is about you, for you and no one else. Even though I do enjoy the reads.
I don't have to quit reading someone because I didn't like their post. Everyone has their own opinion. If someone writes something but can't accept someone elses, they might want to grow up or quit posting. Just sayin'
Hey Erin, I haven't dropped by in a loooong time and I'm so glad I did! What a delightful and heartfelt post! Authenticity and technology is a huge hurdle. I would love to be more open about my opinions and relish these types of discussions....but there are people I don't want to have those discussions with who read my blog. ie, in laws.
I'm thinking I may need a nome de plume!
Loved this post and thank you for helping me feel like I was having lunch with a friend!
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