Someone else told me recently that they don't recognize the person I am on my blog as the same person I am in person.
It's not like I'm sitting around trying to be witty. It's not like I'm composing posts for hours, thinking, "how can I get people to like me?" Honestly, I just spew the thoughts from my head onto the screen with little or no thought beforehand (as should be evident as compared to actual writers).
So this has led me to think a lot lately: Who am I? Why in the world do I act one way in my real life (honestly: boring, very predictable, and not fun), and I have a different personality on my blog? I don't feel like I'm not being myself on my blog. I'm not trying to portray myself as different on my blog. I really feel like I am being myself on my blog. So why are these two worlds not connecting? Why do I feel like I am being myself on my blog, but in real life I am a completely different person? Why do I feel like interjecting a swear word right now, when I do not swear? Who am I, really?
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I wrote the above paragraphs last Friday, when I was really, really struggling. I still feel all of these things. I still have a lot of questions. I still don't know where I am really going right now. But I have been thinking, praying, and talking a lot about these things with my husband. I have come to a few realizations.
I have been living my life following a routine, essentially being apathetic and closed to the world around me. It was easier that way - to not really look at difficult things; to not feel extreme highs OR lows - than to allow myself to be vulnerable to life and have the possibility of getting hurt. My blog has been the one place I could direct my energy and put forth the parts of me I didn't want to show to my real life. (Which, because I have had some trolls and some mean comments, has really shown me that vulnerability can be scary.)
I took a French Lit class in college by Madame Goodhart that discussed these very things. I didn't like the class. I didn't get the class. I felt frustrated all of the time. NOW I get it. I wish I could retake that class, because I know I would get a lot more out of it now. But I wasn't ready back then. I'm ready now. Interesting how hindsight is 20/20.
(P.S. This is only remotely related to the hell I went through last week, so no judging me.)
(P.P.S. I'm done with serious posts for a while. I need a change. If I have time, I will post the lasagna & breadstick recipe tomorrow. If not, it will be Wednesday.)
39 people wanted to leave a comment:
I love hearing things like, "I had no idea you were funny!" Yeah, that's awesome.
And you ARE witty! I have met you!
How frustrating. Still, I don't think there's any mystery. I think it's sort of what you said: You write what you are thinking about. You aren't responding to what someone else has said to you. You aren't taking care of your kids. Here is where your mind is, and not everyone around can actually see your mind when they see you. You are both Erins. I think it's neat that your blog sort of brings out a part of you that maybe doesn't have release anywhere else in your life.
And there's a reason so many people read you. It's not because we like the role you are playing or are falling for your tricks. We like your mind and how you tell us what's in there.
I wish I could think of something witty to say right now. Just know that I love what you do here. I wouldn't keep coming back if I didn't.
Erin, since I've new to your blog I feel a little awkward making a comment since this is somewhat personal--but don't want to just be a stalker either and not leave a comment.
So, I think I'll just say what LisAway says makes a lot of sense!
Singing "La Marseillaise" always makes me feel better.
I forgot to say that if I got to spend more time with you in real life, I would feel the same way about the real life you.
I don't know if it makes a difference, but when I read your blog it does sound like you. That is why I read it. I don't know if you are different in person from when I knew you, but this blog screams out the Erin I knew.
I honestly don't think you are that different in person. I found you to be witty and funny and open.
I totally felt like that for a lot of high school. At church things I was outgoing, a big flirt and probably even dare I say it, really popular. At school, I wasn't unpopular but I definitely was not the "it" girl and was such much more inward and self-conscious. I took a few years for those two selves to be able to join each other and find a good balance..
But even now as an adult, sometimes when I do something which feels completely normal to me, people will be shocked and say "I always thought you were more quiet" or something along those lines... and I wonder how am not coming across as I really am again?
So I don't think you are the only one. It makes me wish I could peak into people's brains and see how they really perceive me.. or maybe I don't want to know :)
I had a cousin send me an IM yesterday saying that she was worried about me because I sound sad and lonely on my blog. WHat??? I am anything but lonely, and rarely sad. I took me 5 minutes of back and forths to convince her I just get pensive sometimes.
Here's to a better week for you.
I said the same thing on another blog today, but I think it's easier to show our lighter, happier, easier-going self on our blogs. When you get serious and show your true or entire personality you open yourself up much more for criticism and being vulnerable. It's easier to protect that part of ourselves, I think.
Uh...I think you seem basically like yourself in your blog. Maybe "you" in Cedar City is a different "you" right now. I was definitely a different me in 2008, and am so very happy to be mostly back to normal. The moment I had baby #3 I felt much better - maybe something similar will happen to you...or maybe not. But I do think you sound like you in your blog. It's great!
How RUUUUUUUUUUDE of that person to say such things! I never think of people as disconnected from those they portray on their blogs. Who cares if you're not spewing witty comments in person, it doesn't mean that if that dude didn't sit down with you for more than 3 seconds, there wouldn't be a funny, enjoyable conversation! Some people need to keep their yaps shut! You rock, girl! :)
You don't seem that different to me as well. Maybe the people that think that just really don't know you.
Oh, and ignore the trolls. I know it seems hard, but they are not worth your time.
Sometimes it bugs me when a person accuses someone of not being themselves in a certain situation/environment. It seems like this to me: you are Erin, so whatever you do is being Erin. We're not one-dimensional people who come with a list of characteristics that we're not allowed to deviate from. I consider myself both shy AND outgoing, funny AND boring. It totally depends on how "free" I feel to express myself, who I'm with, etc. I hate when people term this personality as chameleon-like and/or weak. People are just different, that's all.
You know our friend Melodie? It's pretty easy to "define" her personality, and I would never define her as shy or boring--just outgoing and funny mostly all the time. But I'm not like that. And we're the best of friends!
(On the other hand, even Mel has a serious "side." And maybe sometimes she doesn't feel like being a social butterfly. That's totally fine!)
We'd all be happier with ourselves and each other if we all felt like we could be ourselves, realizing that "ourselves" doesn't always fit into a jello mold. You know what I mean?
I love you Erin, and think you're just fine as you are. :)
Hey Erin - be whatever, whoever you want to be whereever you want to be it! Keep it up - whatever *it* is! ;)
I am extremely shy around people i don't know. So much so that when I am in a new situation and there is one person there who knows me, without fail they say, Are you okay? You are so quiet. Something must be wrong!
What is wrong is that I am terrified of people in new situations.
It's easier to be funny and silly with people I am close to and on my blog.
I get ya!
Have a wonderful week! Thanks for your honesty. You are awesome!
When we write we have an extra moment (or hour) to think about what we are going to say. Our mind has that extra processing time that we don't really have in verbal communication. 'Nuf said.
It's interesting how so many people confuse a blog with the "whole" person. I don't show my entire life on my blog. Sure, I give a lot of info, but there is no way to have the complete picture. Heck, not even my husband, who lives with me, has the complete picture of who I really am. Sometimes even I don't. So the whole thing about judging a blog to be what a person is or isn't like is just silly.
Besides, in person, you are witty. And you are thoughtful. And you are friendly. And lots of other things that may or may not be represented well on this blog.
Chin up!
I always find other people's perceptions of me to be interesting. You should read that "You are Special" book by Max Lu... L-something.
Once you figure out who you are & you're happy with that person it really doesn't matter what other people say or think.
I agree with all the comments. Your blog does not equal the entire person you are. But, I love your blog. It comes across as funny, honest, and real.
We are all different people in different environments. I'm a teacher, a mom, a wife, a daughter, a friend, etc... Do we act the same way in all of these situations? No and we definitely shouldn't. I hate it when my husband asks me who I am. There is no way to define oneself. I'm a lot of different people all at the same time.
I'm sorry that you're frustrated, but I hope that you decide not to put too much more thought and emotion into. Because in the scheme of things, does it really matter?
I love what Lisa said (Amen!). It's so much the same for me too. Back in the day when I had several hundreds readers a day I just felt dizzy all the time. Like I was living two different lives and it was spinning me like mad till I just wanted to fall down and nap for an aeon or two. It was exhausting.
Over the years though my blogging-me has slowly become a part of my in person-me. Not that I talk exactly how I blog or anything, but...yeah...I can't describe it. The two are converging and I'm more open in real life than I used to be. Sometimes anyway.
I'm babbling. What I'm trying to say is that I get what you're saying - and I kind of get how exhausting all the self-analyzing can be. I need a break from it myself.
I don't think you were any different in real life!!!
Erin, as someone who shared a wall with you for far too short a time, I'd like you to know that I think your blog is a good reflection of who you are in real life. If anyone tells you differently, then they haven't spent enough time around you in real life.
And who is telling you that you're not fun? You are so fun! Tell me who they are and I will kick their butt. Even if it's you telling yourself. I will drive down and straighten you out! If you ever have any doubts about who you are, just look at your 2 awesome boys. There is no way they could be so smart and cool without a mother to set the example (for reference see my crazy, emotionally-unbalanced children).
In conclusion: you rock and I wish we still lived close by. I miss you more than you know, especially when you post serious stuff and I want to run next door and hug you. Or throw rocks at people who are making you sad.
I think it's because blogs (or journals, etc.) are a place of reflection we allow the person we either want to be or think we are surface. It's unfair for people to expect you to act all the time the way you were feeling in the moment that you wrote a somber update or a witty anecdote or a killer recipe. You write your blog, so you are funny. In any medium.
I see very little difference between the real Erin and the blog Erin. The real Erin is concise yet witty, and uncommonly able to reveal her insecurities, just like the blog Erin!
LisAway hit it right on too. That's why blogs are so cool! They give you a chance to reveal parts of yourself that just don't come out in normal everyday life.
Erin, I hear you, and secretly I'd often like to swear and my favorite word starts with f and ends with k oh sometimes it feels so good.
Here's hoping your week is better..mine was awful too.
Hugs
Dorothy from grammology
grammology.com
Just because someone doesn't see every side of you, doesn't mean that you aren't being true to yourself or that you are putting on a show. I think people get stuck in a perception of who we are and they have a hard time making the other (and less visible) parts of us fit their mold of what we should be. Ultimately, you know you better than anyone else and just because the side that people see when they meet you isn't the same as the side they see on the blog, it doesn't mean that it's not you.
That said, I have unsuscribed from a lot of blogs, because I thought they were taking to much time and mental energy away from my kids. (Also a reason I haven't blogged much lately) Yours was a blog I choose to keep because it was real and it was honest and I never once thought you were putting on a show for the readers.
My advice--take it or leave it--unless these people are close friends or family or someone else who knows you really well, then don't let it bug you. If they haven't taken the time to get to know you then they are way off base questioning who you really are.
And for the record, I like you. Both blogger version and the self professed "boring" woman I met at lunch a year or so ago. Be yourself. You know who you are and those who don't appreciate you don't have the right to make you question who you really are!
I pretty much am exactly like I am on my blog in real life IF I'm in a group. Not so much one-on-one. I don't know why. But I totally relate to that sense of apathy, only in my case I think I just keep a comfortable distance from the world because I'm so prone to stressing.
I cannot understand why some people leave mean and nasty comments. Baffles me. Trying to protect yourself from life is always an interesting thing to do. I hope things get easier and very enjoyable soon, and I pray all is well with you and your family (born and unborn) right now. My prayers are with you.
I love you, Erin! I don't know, but I don't feel a difference between the blog you and the real life you. Granted, I haven't been with the real life you in over three years, but I still don't feel a difference. I think you are a babe just as you are!
It's so hard to be open and vulnerable. Why do you think so many writers use a nom de plume? You're definitely not alone here. But please keep it up; you clearly have a gift for this.
I have never felt that way reading your blog. I just have felt that you have many different aspects to Erin is. I feel like most people don't know who I really am either and that they only have a tiny 1% glimpse of who I am by my blog. I really enjoy your blog,sorry my life has been so chaotic lately and I haven't been a very good blogging friend. Hang in there I really enjoy reading your blog. There is always something that interests me.
I'm so sorry you have been having a difficult time! I miss our regular emails and feel like a real tool for not knowing you were going through anything! Will you forgive me?
For the record, I've never felt like you were someone "different" on your blog! You're just Erin.
People that truly know me say you only get the "real me" on my blog, because I put myself out there..rather than hide!
Love you girlie!
I just read this post and Part 1 below. Very insightful posts - both of them.
I think even when we know someone really well we never know everything, every mood, every pain.
That is why it is so important to listen to the spirit.
As for not being yourself on your blog - I think that most people are but often the way we "speak" on our blogs and in real life may come across differently - mainly because you cannot "feel" what someone is saying when they write their blogs.
That is why sometimes e-mails or texts are misconstrued - You cannot tell sometimes if someone is angry or happy from words on a blog or on paper.
OK this is a book.
Just know that I like you :D
I think people who say you're different on here just don't really know you in real life! I had someone tell me that once, and I asked my husband, and he was like, "You're the exact same on your blog!" She just didn't really know who I was.
But I totally get not wanting to put yourself out there for everybody in real life! I think you and I are very similar!!
I hate that mean people can affect us so much more than our real friends! Isn't that crazy! Erin, I know I don't talk to you every day. But I think you're witty in person as well. You are the same on your blog. I see no difference. I hate when people have to say mean things on people's blogs. Blogs are a place to let it all out. If you don't want to read it, don't. Ya know? Well, anyway.. I hope things are better this week. Don't be so hard on yourself. I think you know who you are. Because you are that person in your writing. We all know you and know you're awesome online and in person :) ... and if you want to interject a swear word... do it. :) all that means is it is a swear word moment. ha ha. love ya.
Hey, I had a craptastic week, too. We should get together, eat chocolate, and not care if we can think of a single witty thing to say. Sound good?
Can I just say that I really, REALLY relate to that first part? I've been having a personal meltdown lately because I feel like a lot of people who only "sort of" know me in real life (like acquaintances in my ward)have a totally different perception of me because they only know my blog self. I thought they were one in the same but apparently not! I guess for me I feel like people just don't understand how "real" I am. Like I don't feed my kids gorgeous homemade pancake piles adorned with homemade syrup and garnished with mint leaves for breakfast! Anyway, I'm rambling...but I totally get you.
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