I came across a blog post last week of a woman who had moved into a new ward and was looking forward to meeting new people. However, after living there for only a couple of months, a teacher in Relief Society told a story of how she had a friend confide in her that she was gay, and the teacher decided to end the friendship because she didn't want her children to associate with someone who could be a bad influence. No one in that room knew that there was a woman in the same room who identified as gay, was committed to remaining celibate and staying in the church, who went home that day absolutely crushed, and convinced herself that she could never tell anyone her secret.
Then yesterday, I read a post where a 20 year old woman had come out to her parents, and the parents were having a difficult time with it. (Completely understandable.) They wrote a letter to Ask Mormon Girl (aka Joanna Brooks - a woman I hugely admire, who wrote an op ed for the Washington Post about the Five Myths of Mormonism), asking her whether not allowing their daughter to bring her girlfriend into their home would further alienate their daughter from them. I realize this is a very touchy situation, and I believe Joanna's advice was sound. However, there was a commenter who copied and pasted a bunch of scriptures from The Bible, and then followed that with his own thoughts, which I quote:
The scriptural answer is clear. Not only should you not allow your child to bring home the “partner,” but you might have to consider not allowing them to come home either. They are spiritually dead and as such it might be necessary to act accordingly, mourning their choices...
This
makes
me
sick.
makes
me
sick.
Sick to my stomach. I realize this is one person's extreme view, but I have seen WAY too much of this type of opinion to keep quiet anymore. I will not keep quiet anymore.
I don't believe we have to choose between the church or our children. I don't believe that being gay is a sin. Christian and I have discussed what we would do if one of our children told us they were gay. We would absolutely love them and accept them for who they are. We would welcome their partner into our family with open arms.
We have also discussed with our children what being gay means. (In an age-appropriate manner, of course.) We have taught them to stand up to others if they make disparaging remarks toward people who are gay. They know that their uncle Aaron is a totally cool guy who loves them so much, and who happens to be gay.
My heart breaks for gay people whose families have shunned them. My heart breaks for gay people who feel that suicide is a viable option (or worse, the only option). My heart breaks for gay people who are scared to tell ANYONE, for fear of being excluded, looked down upon, bullied, or worse.
I have not always felt this strongly. Pre- life bomb, I didn't know how I felt. I had a friend come out to me a few years ago and I didn't know how to respond. I told her I loved her, and I wished her the best in her life, and then, sadly, our friendship changed a little bit. I regret this SO much. I wish I knew then what I know now.
It was easier to stay neutral then. I am not neutral anymore.
This is what I would like to say to my friend now: You are welcome in my home. You are welcome to talk to my children. I love you. I love your partner too. I will always be your friend.
27 people wanted to leave a comment:
Great post, Erin! I admire you for having the courage to publicly stand up as an ally for our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters. Thanks, too, for sharing how this impacts your personal life with friends and family. Your compassionate point of view is a welcome counterpoint to some of the harsher views that get expressed online. Thank you!
Talk about spiritually dead. I wish I could say I was shocked by these kinds of things, but I'm not.
I have worked with many teens and their families in my job, who their son or daughter comes out to them, and they have basically disowned them. That is NOT what the church teaches. I understand it is difficult for those families, and they have a very hard time accepting their children's lifestyle, but they should embrace them, not turn them away.
It's such a difficult topic for so many. The extremists make me sick, too. I can't believe that person would advise the parents to mourn their gay child and consider them spiritually dead. That is so horrible and unChrist-like. How do these people justify stuff like that and sleep at night? I don't get it.
This is such a great post, Erin! Thanks for sharing it. This is not an easy topic, but you've hit the nail on the head. The Savior told us to love our neighbors, plain and simple--not love only our neighbors who aren't gay, or aren't divorced, or aren't active in the church, etc. Good for you for taking a stand on this issue!
Like Kristina said, to shun your children or anyone else for being gay is not what the church teaches. Not at all. And to treat them like they are degenerates or bad influences? It's such a tragedy. Being gay is not a sin. I do believe that acting on those feelings is wrong, but it doesn't change how I treat the person AT ALL. That is not my place, and Christ himself would not deny one of our gay brothers and sisters comfort, love or blessings.
My best friend is gay and a member of the church. She has lived with her girlfriend for ten years now and they have two boys. They are welcome in my home, and I don't love her any less. When she came out to me, my first words to her were of the sorrow I felt knowing that her life was going to be hard and maybe lonely since I knew many in the church would turn her away. I also have a good friend who served his mission after he came out to his parents and bishop, and upon returning home made the decision to remain celibate to keep his temple covenants. There are those who refuse to associate with him even though he is a worthy priesthood holder. He is very lonely, and knows his life will always be difficult. It just breaks my heart to see him treated so.
One of my children's elementary teachers committed suicide last summer with her friend, a Mormon man, whose parents had refused to speak to him for years or allow him into the home. Because mutual friends knew I was LDS, I received sharp criticism for the "Church's" hatred toward gays. I tried my best to explain that it wasn't the case at all, but the hateful and un-Christlike behavior of many pretty much negated what I shared.
Sorry for the novel. My heart is full on this subject. I will always be a friend as well.
I saw this post yesterday as well. I didn't read the comments. But I echo your sentiments *exactly*. It is heart-breaking that people feel like they have to choose between their family and the church.
Thank you for writing this. I hope that voices like yours and Joanna's (loved her Myths piece) will be heard more and more.
I rarely comment anymore for various reasons, but I HAD to comment on this. Thanks, Erin. Thanks for being brave and having integrity.
I want to applaud after reading this. Beautifully said.
It is all just so tragic. I think what Christ has taught and shown through his life should make it very, very clear how we should treat each other, whatever we may feel about a person's actions or choices. And also, that we shouldn't really worry about feeling much about another person's actions and choices at all. Until it affects us directly, or until we have walked a mile in their shoes.
Thanks for taking a stand, Erin! And I have to wonder if the negative commenter who backed up the hatred with scripture has ever been in this situation. My guess? No. Because there is not simple solution.
After some situations in our family over the past few years, I have decided that I was going to continue to welcome and love my kids no matter what they do. It is a hard thing. Some of us were actually talking about this exact same topic at reunion. It is a hard one, that is for sure.
Thank you for this post. I have lately been wondering how many there actually are in the church that feel this way - the same way I do. And I like you usually remain quiet but as I seem more and more members of the church speaking positively about gays and lesbians, I have hope. Recently a like minded friend posted on FB that an openly gay man had recently been called to be the 2nd counselor in the bishopric of his new ward (in the San Francisco area) - something he applauds and I think is wonderful. I could not believe the negative comments...God does not make mistakes, this man was called for a reason.
Thank you for being brave enough to post this, and for referencing my blog post! It is so encouraging to see people stand up for love and acceptance. I also read the post over at FMH yesterday, and some of them were really getting me down, but after reading what you wrote, and the supportive comments here, I have hope that I can find acceptance in the church even if I am gay.
A great article from the Church on this topic: http://lds.org/liahona/1996/03/same-gender-attraction?lang=eng&query=gay+lesbians
All I can say is..
Beautiful words.
In my RS lesson on Snday, the teacher shared of her family's struggle to not be judgemental and love her uncle who is openly gay. It was amazing to hear her express her kindness and love. It is not easy, because we do not accept the sin, and the church is very clear on the issues of sexual perversion, but just as a child who sins in other ways is still loved by his parents, so too should it be in this situation. It is okay to still take a stand against it, and to teach our children of their divine nature, but not okay to judge those who are in the situation. We just don't know their story. My heart breaks for what this issue does to families everywhere.
I have two family members who are gay. It is something I think many church members don't understand. It is difficult to understand unless you've been there, though. Thanks for this post.
Bravo, Erin! I feel the same way! I can't believe that person's comment. That is disgusting! True Christianity does not involve shunning people or judging others.
The self righteousness of some people just blows my mind!!! It's really a shame that so many have such a "different is bad" (regarding race & culture too) attitude.
This is a great post. If we don't love them and take them in, who will? We need to love them. Not condone their actions, but LOVE them.
The drummer in my husband's band came out a couple of years ago. I'm trying to learn, trying to be more accepting. I do better on some days than others.
TOTALLY awesome post! We should definitely teach our children to not be judgmental. It is so important. I have friends who are gay and a family member as well and I definitely still love and accept them. I would my children as well. On the flip side, I believe it is wrong and the LDS church teaches that it is, and it irks me a bit when LDS people go on gay marches and lobby for gay marriage. Accept the sinner but by doing that, it seems you accept the sin as well. What do you think?
very beautifully written, thanks!
Nice job, Erin. People like to forget Christ-like love when they are disappointed in the choices of others.
I have a friend who recently left her family for another woman. I have really REALLY struggled with this. I ask myself if my main problem is the gay part or the leaving the family part (a son with special needs too). I want to believe it is the leaving that scarred me, because if she had left for a man I would feel just as bad.
Good reminder though to show compassion and to understand that maintaining the family relationship is what really matters.
Great post and the topic is timely. I just reconnected with an old friend who shared that while living in another country with her husband and his work, she had a girlfriend on the side.
Nothing changed for me except to feel sad that she was and is still so dishonest with her husband.
My nephew is openly gay and I love him and care about him just as I do every other of my nephews and nieces.
One of my best Diva friends is gay, married to her wife and they have a son. There isn't a kinder, gentler soul in my circle of friends.
I can only say that I feel sorry for the families that can't seem to work through it. For them and for their loved ones who struggle already without having the guilt from family hanging over their heads
Hi Erin,
I love this post.
I have wanted to be LDS. I've read the Book of Mormon however I cannot commit 100% because I have a gay sister. I believe she was born this way and that she should be free to love and have a family just like me. That is what stops me from being a LDS.
I am otherwise following LDS values and appreciate Article of Faith #9.
It saddens me when people use comments to spew hate and intolerance. People can hold true to their beliefs in a way that isn't hateful towards others.
Thank you for your post & view point that was written without hate.
I'm glad you have such a great forum to share your feelings! I am so pro equal rights! I think with each generation comes a better acceptance and undersanding of people of other races, cultures and sexual preferences. But to hear the hatred some people still spew now, also makes me sick. I feel lucky that my kids know and love their cousin and his partner (and their kids). It gives them first hand experience in seeing how "normal" and similar their lives are to our own.
This makes me sick too. I just don't understand the anger and vindictiveness--especially when it's your OWN CHILD.
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