The (Pregnancy) Story

The short story (if you don't want to read the long story):

• I'm 10 weeks along, due June 3
  
• I'm sick, sick, sick
• I'm scared to tell people I'm pregnant because I'm spotting and because I haven't grown much
• I want to say thank you so much for all of the well-wishers yesterday.  You are so kind.
  

The long story:

When I wrote the post about being happy no matter what happens, if I get pregnant or not, I meant every single word. I had no idea I would be pregnant within days of writing that post.

I read an article online on Friday, Oct 2 (when I was already 5 weeks pregnant) that talked about how a woman could not know that she is pregnant. I thought it was mildly amusing, but I certainly believed that it is possible for a woman to not know. (And I was thoroughly ticked and disgusted with the judgmental people in the comment section.)

I didn't know I was pregnant until I was 6 weeks along.

Now that I look back, I can see the signs. I was exhausted - I kept falling asleep while watching tv with my kids in the afternoon. Two nights I went to bed at 10:00 and slept for 9 hours (I even facebooked about it once). My chest was really sore (TMI) and I had another symptom that I completely overlooked (no, I won't be telling you what that symptom was).

So what is it that really made me wonder?

One morning, at 4:00, Aidan came into our room to say he couldn't find his blankie in his bed. Christian got up to help him find it, and I realized I was nauseated. That's not normal.

When Christian came back to bed, I told him how I was feeling, and he said, "Do you have a pregnancy test?" I said, "Yeah, but I'm not getting out of bed to take it. I don't have to pee and it's cold out there." So in the morning I took it.

Two lines.

I started shaking. Shaking!  I was already 6 weeks along, and didn't know it.

Now, you may be asking yourself, "How did she not know? Is she not the sharpest tool in the shed?"

Here's where I give you a little too much information, so if you get squeamish easily, skip the next two paragraphs.


I bleed three weeks out of four. That's "normal" for me. It has been since I was 17. Birth control mostly takes care of it, but you don't want to be on birth control if you are trying to get pregnant. Since I bleed all of the time, I don't pay attention to when my period starts (I don't even really know when I had my last one). I have been spotting since the beginning of September, and I am still spotting. I haven't stopped. I am now 10 weeks along. And that's why I didn't think I was pregnant.

Although, I spotted when I was pregnant with both boys too, so again, this is "normal" for me. While it is normal, it is still very scary when I am pregnant. I hesitate to tell people because at what point does spotting become miscarriage? But, I figure if I do have a miscarriage by this point, I will need the support of my blog friends to help me through.  I have had three blood draws for progesterone tests (low progesterone can cause spotting) and all have come back normal, so I'm trying to think positively.

(Okay, you can come back now if you skipped above.)

I have been sick.  Very sick.  All the time sick.  This is WAY different than it was with my boys.  With both of them, I was nauseated in the morning, and could keep it under control for the rest of the day.  Notsomuch with this one.  However, I have not thrown up.  I have a stomach of steel, and, more importantly, a will of steel.  I could have and probably should have thrown up 20 times by now.  I just hate it so much that I refuse to.  So I sit around and feel sick and never quite get rid of the feeling.

I have been craving garlic bread, McDonald's bacon, egg and cheese biscuits, and mixed berry yogurt.  Chocolate hasn't been very appealing.

I have been concerned because I am not growing very much.  My fat little tummy bulge that is always there has moved up (presumably to make space for a growing fetus), but no one can actually tell that I'm pregnant yet.  I will feel much better after I hear the heartbeat at the 12 week appointment. (I had the ultrasound at 7 weeks, 5 days to size and date the fetus, and everything looked good then.  A lot can happen in four weeks and I'm trying not to worry!)

I'm losing my mind.  Pregnancy brain is taking over and it is not fun.  I'm also old.  This pregnancy is treating me differently than when I was younger.

I'm feeling a lot of compassion for my blog friends who are trying to get pregnant and/or unable to have a baby right now.  I know how frustrating and disheartening it can be when you want something so desperately, and it seems like everyone else around you is getting it! I'm so sorry.

Please don't think I am complaining.  I am not complaining - I am very blessed and very happy.  I'm just sharing my feelings right now.

I'm somewhat absent from blogland because I'm sick and tired.  I haven't responded to e-mails in three weeks.  I'm sorry! 

This post is very disjointed and discombobulated.  But I'm too lazy/tired/braindead to do anything about it.  If you stuck through to the end, well, you get a gold star on your forehead!