Being anxious has also led me to have a lot of fears. Fear and anxiety seem to be wrapped up in one tightly-strung ball for me. One of my biggest fears is the fear of pain - pain of any kind. Losing baby teeth when I was young was a highly traumatic experience. Learning how to ride a two-wheel bike was scary because what if I fell? Life has always been full of what-ifs for me, and the fear of things potentially happening a certain way have kept me from doing many things that probably would have been good for me. (P.S. I have gotten a lot better in the 12 1/2 years I have been married. I'm pretty sure I was nearly unbearable to be with when I was younger.)
I have been doing a lot of introspection lately about this fact lately - the fact that I am scared of pain. I have really been working on some hard stuff, both in my own mind and talking with my husband. I have come to a bit of understanding and some conclusions about why I have felt this way growing up, and some of it is a bit disturbing. But I have also been working on learning how to not avoid pain, but learning how to experience it and deal with it.
You all know I've been considering the possibility of delivering this baby naturally. I have had mild panic when mulling over the option of "having" to go naturally. I have been wondering why I am even thinking about it, and not just telling myself to have an epidural. Then I realized that I really do want to work through this fear I have of pain, and labor is certainly a fear. But Christian said, "So you want to learn how to not be afraid of pain. But why are you starting with The Mother Lode of pain? Why not start smaller?" True, good point. But seeing as how this is (very likely) the last baby we will ever have, it's my last chance. However, that isn't a good enough reason in itself to decide to go natural. I have also had a lot of encouragement from others (many of you!), and I know my body can do it - I just need to have faith in my abilities.
So I have been thinking it over (a lot), praying about it, and discussing it with Christian, and I have come up with my birth plan that I feel really good about: I'm hoping to go natural, and I'm planning on it at this point. But I reserve the right to change my mind at any moment in the process.
Even if I do get the epidural, I am proud of myself for the hard work I have done while processing these thoughts about my fears. I want to fear less and accomplish more in my life.
24 people wanted to leave a comment:
You go! Good luck with working through this fear and with birthing this baby.
I had a fear of the epidural itself. So with my first three I didn't have it. My last one I did.
Good luck!! I am all about doing whatever it takes to not have pain. And I'm OK with that.
I feel your pain (pun intended). I am also terrified of pain. That was my birth plan for both of my girls - go as long as I can naturally and see how things go. I ended up getting an epidural with both of them and I don't regret it. I did what I could, then asked for help when I needed it.
Good luck!
Wow, you are so brave! I hope everything goes well.
I had all three of my children naturally. I was more afraid of the needle in the back than the pain of labor.
If you have a really good doctor who knows how to help you have a baby naturally, it can go quite well.
That sounds like the perfect plan.
Good luck, Erin. You should feel really good about yourself. Best of luck!
I've always been a what-if kind of person too -and way too tightly wound. I didn't even realize this about myself until Hubby pointed in out to me a couple years ago, and since then I've been working really hard on overcoming & letting go of fear & anxiety. They come together for me too!
I can't wait to hear how it all goes for you! Especially because I'm right behind you in welcoming a new one to the world!
I had Luke so fast that there was no time for an epidural, and it was by far the most AGONIZING pain in the whole world. I had not planned on it happening that way so I was in shock and felt completely out of control. (I think my doctor's ears are still ringing from all my screaming.) If that had been my original plan and had been more prepared, it might have gone better.
...But the point is that we both survived. Although I don't think I want or need to do it that way again!
I am actually the same way and I feel that over the years, as I've given in to the fear and avoided situations that might cause pain, I am more and more sensitive to pain. I'll stub my toe or bump on something and it HURTS. And somewhere in my head there is a voice saying "This really shouldn't hurt this badly. Things like this didn't used to hurt this badly!" But my brain just can't turn off all those little nerve endings crying out in pain. I just don't know where to start to get it under control.
I love your choice! I think it's not a good idea to go in saying you're going to do it no matter what. You never know what's going to happen, so keeping your options open is a good idea. Good for you learning so much about yourself and being ready to take a leap (and smart to have the safety net under you, just in case)
You are a babe!...unmedicated or medicated in delivery!
Everything you said about yourself is my Bria. I often don't know how to deal with her because she is so anxious and full of fear. I've never been quite like that, so sometimes it's hard to understand her. Thanks for writing this. You've given me insight into her little soul and hope, too! Maybe she'll marry someone like Christian. :)
I like your decision too. I hope that everything goes well! Did you check out the hypnobirthing book? It really goes into this whole fear of pain thing. Fascinating reading, even if you don't end up using the info for your birth.
Erin, easy for me to say with no baby getting anxious to make her debut, but just try to let go and TRUST yourself, because anxiety over the pain is sure to make the pain that much more difficult. I think it's smart that you have a game plan but are totally willing to change things up as needed. Going natural is tough, but so are the other choices! And in all honesty, you just never know what curveballs might be thrown! I had 1 natural, 2 epidurals and 1 c-section. None of them were a walk in th epark, but the pain went away as soon as I saw their sweet faces. YOU CAN DO IT!!! I'll be roting for a. :)
I think it sounds great. I think another thing to consider is the control factor. When you have a baby naturally you kind of have to lose control and stop trying to mentally take control. Don't worry about screaming or if you sound like a wimp just let go and let it happen. That is usually the point when my babies come is when I stop trying to control how and when they make their entrance. I am not sure this makes sense, I am sleep deprived so I'll use that. You don't need luck because you are awesome and can do it and all you have to do is get the baby out however you can.
Good for you! Have you read about hypnobirthing yet? It seems to be (in the 3 pages I've read) all about eliminating the fear of pain/labor.
I am going to try to go natural this time as well. But, whenever I get the epidural, I never regret it, so feel free to wave the white flag if you need to.
I'm so jealous that you're married to a psychologist. Mainly because I actually go to therapy and it seems like it would be nicer to just talk through things at home with the man you love. My husband's a graphic designer, so if you need any web-work done, maybe we could trade. Just kidding.
I understand your fears. I never ever wanted to learn to drive. My brain comes up with too many ways to die on the freeway. But my parents required it of me. Now I drive, obviously, all the time, but I'm still afraid often.
I think it's good that you don't let fear determine what you do with your life.
Congrats on your Moody Mamas win!
I am a lot like that too in many ways. Sometimes it really gets in the way of enjoying life!
I think you made a really great decision and I send my best wishes your way.
I'm so glad you've made a decision and are comfortable with it...it is YOUR decision :o)
My big fear is failure...which used to keep my from trying a lot of things. It take time to overcome your fears, but you're taking steps in the right direction!
I'm glad it's part of your plan to feel proud of yourself for all your hard work - no matter what! Too many women out there are so determined to be in control and end up dwelling on the parts that didn't go to plan.
That said, the only two who have a say in how it goes are you and the baby... so as long you both stay strong, more power to you!
I had the same plan as you, by the way, and ended up going "all natural"!
I hate pain too! Like you, losing teeth when I was young was very traumatic. I had to wait until they basically fell out on their own. Nobody was getting near my mouth.
The best part about birth is that no matter how it happens (natural, epidural, or c-section) is that you get this wonderful new life to care for. I had epidurals for all 5 (the 2nd child came a little too fast for the epidural to kick in) and it was still an amazing feeling of accomplishment to have just given birth.
We all have fears of some sort and I am proud of you for processing thru them - you go girl:)
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