Fear has been the driving force behind most, if not all, of the major decisions in my life. When I graduated high school, I went to the university in my hometown because I was scared to move away from home. I was terrified to get married, but I knew it was what I was supposed to do (and Christian helped me feel a little less scared). I was so petrified of actually delivering a baby (the pain of childbirth) that I had never ONCE thought of actually being a mom, or of actually having a child, until after I gave birth. My mind is really, really good at creating giant, thick, sky-high brick walls that stop me in my tracks - and prevent me from moving forward, from progressing.
Cue life bomb. Once the life bomb occurred, I had to learn how to look at things differently. Everything. Life, really. I started to realize that fear held my soul captive. I have been working diligently ever since then to face the fears that inevitably rear their ugly head. The first major instance of facing my fears was when I decided to give birth to Kaitlyn without an epidural. (Here's a post I wrote about my fear of delivering her without medication, and here's her birth story, where I actually did it.) And I felt empowered. I felt amazing. I was beginning to learn that I could stare my fears in the face and defy them.
There is another thing I have been wanting to try for years and years (honestly, at least seven years) but have been too afraid to try. Again, afraid of the pain. Men who are reading this, and Dad in particular, may want to shield their eyes and skip over the next sentence. I have been wanting to get a brazilian bikini wax. But for seven years I have been too afraid to actually try it. Once again, here I am letting fear of pain run my life. Well, last week I decided NO MORE. I called, scheduled an appointment for 15 minutes later, and did it. And once again, I am so proud of myself. I can do hard things.
A few nights ago, I realized other fears that have been affecting (I almost typed "infecting," and I think that's an appropriate word too) my life - fear of arguing, and especially fear of anger. This one is severe, and it's not as easy to spot as something like pain is, so it might be more difficult to accomplish. But I'm ready and willing to face it head-on.
Damn life bomb. It's one of the hardest things that has ever happened in my life. And also, it's one of the very best things that has ever happened in my life.