Friday, June 22

Fear Revisited

Fear.

Fear has been the driving force behind most, if not all, of the major decisions in my life.  When I graduated high school, I went to the university in my hometown because I was scared to move away from home.  I was terrified to get married, but I knew it was what I was supposed to do (and Christian helped me feel a little less scared).  I was so petrified of actually delivering a baby (the pain of childbirth) that I had never ONCE thought of actually being a mom, or of actually having a child, until after I gave birth.  My mind is really, really good at creating giant, thick, sky-high brick walls that stop me in my tracks - and prevent me from moving forward, from progressing.

Cue life bomb.  Once the life bomb occurred, I had to learn how to look at things differently.  Everything.  Life, really.  I started to realize that fear held my soul captive.  I have been working diligently ever since then to face the fears that inevitably rear their ugly head.  The first major instance of facing my fears was when I decided to give birth to Kaitlyn without an epidural.  (Here's a post I wrote about my fear of delivering her without medication, and here's her birth story, where I actually did it.)  And I felt empowered.  I felt amazing.  I was beginning to learn that I could stare my fears in the face and defy them.

There is another thing I have been wanting to try for years and years (honestly, at least seven years) but have been too afraid to try.  Again, afraid of the pain.  Men who are reading this, and Dad in particular, may want to shield their eyes and skip over the next sentence.  I have been wanting to get a brazilian bikini wax.  But for seven years I have been too afraid to actually try it.  Once again, here I am letting fear of pain run my life.  Well, last week I decided NO MORE.  I called, scheduled an appointment for 15 minutes later, and did it.  And once again, I am so proud of myself.  I can do hard things.

A few nights ago, I realized other fears that have been affecting (I almost typed "infecting," and I think that's an appropriate word too) my life - fear of arguing, and especially fear of anger.  This one is severe, and it's not as easy to spot as something like pain is, so it might be more difficult to accomplish.  But I'm ready and willing to face it head-on. 

Damn life bomb.  It's one of the hardest things that has ever happened in my life.  And also, it's one of the very best things that has ever happened in my life.

14 people wanted to leave a comment:

heather said...

Fear is a constant battle of mine as well... I was actually completely (well 99.7%) free of it for a few years and then something about a year ago let it flood back into my life... and I have battled it every day since, and am only starting to feel like I'm mostly in control now...

Kristina P. said...

The older I get, the more fearful and anxious I get. I think it's because I realize how much I have to lose.

I hope your hoohah thanked you.

Barbaloot said...

I gotta say I'm scared of the bikini wax, too! Fear of the pain, and the awkwardness...just all of it. I've never waxed anything--not even eyebrows. Good for you!

CaJoh said...

Here's a poem of mine I will share with you:
Fear, of what may I ask
of being in or out of task
or being with or with out pass
Passing through the door of fear can make you curled
curled up so much that only you can see your fear
Others try but can only guess at where
Where, it's only possibly yourself
So get going, get out of that grip of fear
which may last for years and years. cj '82

Wishing you the best of skill in overcoming the fears that come your way.

Christine said...

Ha! Erin you crack me up!

Also I'm so proud of you.

I totally remember walking into your hospital room after Kaitlyn was born and seeing a look on your face like I've never seen before. You had a whole new kind of peace and happiness about you.

That crazy life bomb! It sucked so bad and made your life so much better. I love this kind of post. Keep 'em coming!

Anonymous said...

"I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing......Only I will remain."

Liz said...

you are amazing!!! GOod job how was it?

Fiauna said...

Fear can either cripple or empower. For most of my life I have allowed fear to cripple me. Only lately, after having a few life bombs of my own, have I learned to use fear as an empowering tool--it is one of the best lessons I learned from my brother's passing. My sister and sister-in-law both struggle with fear of anger. They have both spent a lot of time in denial instead of moving through their emotions--especially following our brother's death. I don't know what life bomb you are facing, but I hope it truly leaves you a better (not that you need improving) person on the other side.

Jessica said...

Good for you. I have been thinking about fear too (on and off) for the last year. I'm trying to make my mantra- "I can do hard things". I didn't wax for a long time either becuase of the fear. But really, it's not too bad and I like the results!

Alissa said...

I had to learn early in life to not be afraid of fear. I love change so much now that people sometimes think I'm crazy, lol!

Alissa
ripleyadoption.blogspot.com

Jessica B said...

Great for you Erin, facing your fears :) It IS empowering. I'm really proud of you. Keep going girl.

Charmaine said...

<3

Charmaine said...

<3

Mary said...

I spent MANY years living in fear of the what if, and it took some great counsel, discussion, and support to help me embrace all life has to offer.

Brazilian is totally the way to go!! AND, it hurts less each time :o)